After Midnight

Cinderella is having a hard time fitting into her shoes this year...

will be back to normal next week, just lacking any time (or really creative ideas) this week.

What's your shoe size?

I apologize to my fans for not having posted in a few days. I have been very busy at work...Enjoy a post from an NCAA tourney pool (Grab em in the Biscuits) from last year.

As outgoing champion and one who has little to do at work right now, I thought it would be nice to compose a message. Of course, in drafting this message, I have nothing in particular to say. This is par for the course.

Two years ago, a family from humble roots began it accent to the top of the fantasy basketball world. Seth Kaye, long time apathetic sports fan, filled his brackets with ease and grace; undoubtedly supported by a little advice from the egomaniacal fat guy and his mad dog. By the time the smoke cleared, Mr. Kaye was dining with Colonel Sanders, not on his chicken, but instead, his biscuits. So delicious were biscuits he recommended his son try some. However, all the biscuits were gone, so it would not be until next year that his son would be afforded such an opportunity.

Next year came, and young Kaye, who his parents have told him refuses to listen to anyone, took to preparing his brackets with no help at all. However, according to a recent IQ test offered and taken on the internet, young Kaye is “gifted.” Therefore, there was little doubt that he was up to the task at hand. (Don’t doubt, you know it’s true because it was on the internet). By the end of the first week young Kaye found himself at or near the top of the standings. By the end of the second week, it was all but over. So, in the grand fashion that had become custom, young Kaye dined with the Colonel. Inasmuch as young Kaye does not eat fried chicken from KFC, his choice of sustenance was easy. Biscuits, biscuits and more biscuits.

Many questioned whether young Kaye was eating the biscuits because y’all just paid for his trip to London or because of his devotion to the most yummy of bread sources. Little matter, the butter soaked bisucits went down easy.

This brings us to 2006, where our Champion is a man who also loves biscuits. In fact, he likes them so much he named a fantasy league after them. I digress, given Mr. G’s (hey, isn’t that the weather guy) subscription to ESPNs excessive and self-promotional coverage of all college basketball games he should have won (is ESPN the MTV of the 21st Century?) . Congrats….

So now, we all look forward to the conclusion of the 2006 tournament and the start of the 2007 tourney. What will happen then?, will family Kaye re- capture the crown or will it capture the friedmans (wait, wasn’t that a movie?); perhaps the Royal Tennenbaums, and by that time there will be 2, will take the title; Maybe Evan “ice cream” Cohen will finally push through, who knows. Perhaps, Melissa “I need a” Dickman has it in her (1. no pun intended 2. is she even in our pool?) . Or will it be any of these people, Joe “Liberty” DeVito; Alec “aptly named” Grossman; Brian “I got” Steckloff “when I saw brokeback mountain”;

Needless to say, no one knows what will happen.

I can’t believe you read this far, it’s like when Ferris told you go home…so, I recommend you stop reading, I mean it, the essay is over…stop, stop!…jesus, go home, stop reading, etc, etc, etc…

A Woman Trapped

There are few men in our lives that we encounter that have the ability to shape our identities and define who we become. If we are lucky these men are our fathers or our political leaders. Other times we find these men in our sports arenas or on the screen. For me, Richard Jeni was one of thse men.

A self-described platypus man (I am unsure if he had webbed feet) Mr. Jeni first appeared in my life in the early 1990s and his 1.5 hour comedy special on HBO was no less than absolutely stellar. Indeed, Mr. Jeni is a man who worked in a woman's shoe store with hilarious results (one woman's foot is reported to have been a canoe), introduced us to Captain Obvious (getting tackled by a 300 pound man hurts), demonstrated to us what it is like to be a bachelor (we all knew macaroni and cheese was delicious, but who could imagine it was so funny?) and explained that he often felt he was a woman trapped in a man's body, but never had the proper outlet to express his entrapment (if only he was a real NFL referee!).

Perphaps it was Mr. Jeni's inability to be who he really was, or maybe it was his complete lack of any semblance of a sense of humor post Platypus Man (see "aristocrats" or most recent HBO special) but Mr. Jeni died today when he took a gun to himself blowing his face off. (omitted is tasteless joke regarding finding what remained of mr. jeni's sense of humor)

Depsite what may appear to be a callous attitude toward Mr. Jeni's apparent suicide, it does makes me sad. He brought me many an outstaindg afternoon with good friends and to this day I still quote "the routine."

Dear Mr. Jeni, you will be missed (although because we have your funny routine on video, not that much).

Caveat: absent exigent circumstances not known to the author at the time of publication (i.e., Mr. Jeni was an exitentialist who had outlived his usefulness), the author does not have much sympathy for people that committ suicide, although he does feel especially bad for those that loved and cared for the deceased.

I Shouldn't have ordered the fish (reprise)

They say that the wolverine has no control over itself when it eats and actually can gorge itself to death. i learned this watching the discovery channel when a wolverine squeezed itself between two trees in an effort to force out excess food that would have killed the ferocious critter had it taken no action. i am pleased to say that the animal survived. i am less pleased to report that it has not lost a significant sporting event to penn state since.

what, you ask does this have to do with my condition. well, first off, as you are well aware connecting one thought to another is not my MO; however, in this instance, there is actually a small conneciton. last night i may have bitten off more than i could chew (pun intended) and around 2:00 a.m. i was forced to "wolverine" (Wolverine = vomit). so, 4 treatments in, the damn medicine finally got to me. ironic that a medicine should make you sicker, but that's another topic for another day. (perhaps you will see such a discussion on this very idea at http://www.jazzblahg.blogspot.com/, which, according to blog magazine is "the best new blog on the internet" and "makes absolutely no sense at all"). today, i feel significantly better and with a more careful diet should be able to avoid any further ramifications.

of couse, being 4 treatments in means that we are more than half way through...only 2 treatments to go!! for those of you wondeirng and assmumig all goes well, there will be a big arse party sometime over the summer. aside form cake, there will be a pool, whiffle ball and many other fun activities that have yet to be decided. let's call them surprises.

in case you do not read my blog, i wanted you to know...14 stories below, they call me mr. big hot pastrami.

keep on keepin on.

andy

Dungarees are Neat

As you may recall from a previous post, the idea of John Goodman as spokesman for Dunkin Donuts makes me kinda nauseous. Therefore, in what can only be described as "at a third grade level," I have edited the above photograph to match the image in my head.

In other news, it brings me great joy that scotter libby will be spending some time in jail. while i am sure he is taking a fall for higher ranking officials, i.e., cheney, i could not be more pleased that someone from the bush administration is going to jail. let's keep our fingers crossed that there will be more.

also, i was remiss in forgetting to express my deep dissapointment in the Dook program. With friends from bith institutions i rarely take sides and generally have the utmost respect for both programs. however, intentionally going after a key player as that team enters the tourney with an honest shot to take the title...not cool. Dook and its fans should be embarrased. as a result of their actions, i now hope dook's run of sweet 16 ends.

i apologize for making so much sense and actually expressing legitimate ideas. in the next post i will return to unconnected random thoughts.

my broken heart to heart

Due to an overwhelming response, I have decided to coninue to send emails regarding my tretament, etc. I hope that you will still continue to visit my blog at http://www.jazzblahg.blogspot.com/. there, you will find my trademark non-sensical rants not available via email as well as additional surprises that should not be missed (today's posting will be this email, but tomorrow i have some special things planned, so you definitely don't want to miss that!!).

Today of course was a treatment day and I am pleased, as always, to report no side effects other than some sleepiness; which, i am not sure is a side effect as much as it is a way of life. Wednesday is the next treatment...

Also, and this is big news, the 1991 hit "hands up" performed by Captain Bar-Mitzvah and produced by Heart to Heart was not created by Heart to Heart. According to my sources this song was popularized years earlier at various Club Meds through out the world. I am not really sure what to make of this. I'm mean, how else has Heart to Heart misguided us. Does 7-up mean go instead of freeze? which way am i supposed to run when i hear coke? Am i goping to be stripped of my one and only coke and pepsi title (evan's bar-mitzvah)? How much money does heart to heart owe for blatant copyright violations? Alas, today is a sad day indeed.

thanks, as always, for the positive energy.

ack

Pardon My English

I have been receiving comments from some of you regarding my spelling and/or grammar. To those people I say, proof reading is like a lollipop, it's for suckers. I am of course a highly literate individual with an expansive vocabulary and I am (notice the parallel construction) looking to expanding it futher. I figure the easiest way to do this is to make up my own words. Therefore, i am proposing "Ellios" as a verb.

To Ellios = to burn the top of one's mouth

As long as we're within the pneumbra of English class, I am of the opinion that if one reads 400+ pages over a week and a half, the book should be over. If I read that many pages I want to have reached the climax and denouement, I do not want to have 300 more pages to go. In any event, the book is very good (Shantaram)

Also, I must make a confession reagarding Ms. San Diego. The truth is I made the whole thing up. I did not see her. I made up the t-shirt (though it is a good idea) and i am sorry for getting your hopes up.

Lastly, I would like to welcome those of you who have found my blog outside the network. We are reaching as far as colorado these days.

They call me Mr. Hot Pastrami.