Friday, October 19, 2007

Actually, Hardly Workin


actual photo taken 10/19/07


As some of you know, as some of you don’t and as some of you
don’t care, I have taken a new job…thank you, your warm
wishes of good luck are much appreciated.

One of the reasons I have taken a new job is that the place
at which I am currently employed is a sinking ship. This
means that I have VERY little to do at work. Indeed, at the
present time I have absolutely nothing to do. It’s not even
like I am writing this while work sits idle. No, there is
no work. Ergo (for you Rory), I have taken the time to write
this rather long winded and pointless essay.

Why? You ask, should I care about your current predicament.
I suppose you really shouldn’t. Then again, that’s not very
nice, you should care about me. I am not saying you must
worry over my every move, surely that would be too much, but
what is it to you if you just cared a little bit.

I digress; I’ve gotten off track from my initial reason for
writing this posting... Today, I received a memorandum
(notice, because I have so much time, I decided to write out
the entire word memorandum rather than the more colloquial
and universally accepted “memo”) from the human resources
manager (that is, the HR dep't) indicating that because there has been excessive use
of non-work related internet sites, use of the internet will
be restricted. This likely means that I will not be able to
check my fantasy sites 100 times per day.

I can’t help but think that my office, who is very mad at
me, is doing this to spite me. While it is true that I spend
70%-80% of my day on the internet, it is also true that I,
as you may already heard, have nothing to do. In any event,
there are now six lawyers in the office. I know for sure
that at least 3 of them will not be subject to this
restriction. This leaves me, the lawyer next to my office
who seems busy, but I am pretty sure that’s because she just
started and doesn’t get it yet, another lawyer who probably
doesn’t care much and Jon, the paralegal, who, as far as I
can tell, spends about as much time on the internet as I do.


Funny story about John, the other day I saw him opening up
an email with some photos of some pretty hot dudes in tighty
whities. I don’t know if he knows I know, everything
happened pretty quick. Of course I would never out him to
anyone, he’s a really nice guy and quite capable. Plus
really, it’s none of my business. I just think it’s funny.
Also, I don’t see him getting much cock, he’s really fat…and
not the kind of fat where you can joke and say look how fat
he is…rather, the kind of fat where it’s uncomfortable to
talk about weight, or joke about weight, etc. in front of
the guy. He definitely weighs over 300 pounds and is no
taller than 5’8.

What else? What else? Oh yeah…nah, I’m just kidding.
Really, I’m surprised you’ve read this long, though I did
warn you (Caveat emptor means buyer beware)*

*-previously published elsewhere and titled Caveat Emptor

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

You Look Marvelous


There has been substantial media coverage this week of an event so irrelevant, so boring, so fantastically useless that I cannot imagine a better topic to signify the return of jazzblahg. No, I am not talking about Britney's attempted return (though she is something I can very little about), I am talking about fashion week.

For what seems like more than a week my free papers (thanks) have been swallowed by large sections of fashion. From this, I have deduced that everyone loves Anna Sui and everyone else makes clothes (I don't know anyone else's name because they are not answers in my crossword puzzles). If, I am going to have to look at pages of clothes I'd appreciate at least a few lingerie shots.

Sorry it's been so long my friends, I am blocked at work.

Friday, August 24, 2007

On Garbage, Touche

what's that smell? Oh , it's the PSU fencing team

Due to an incredibly painful back injury, jazzbalhg is not in the mood to funny this week. Ergo...


As previously documented in jazzblahg Penn State has a great fencing program. In what can only be described as blatant copyright infringement, the article below, recently published in the NYT, further expands...You may be surprised.

One Sunday morning every fall, members of the Penn State fencing team spend hours scraping nacho cheese, chewing tobacco, peanut shells and cigarette butts off the floor of the university’s 107,000-seat football stadium.
Cleaning after a home game is an annual fund-raising ritual for the team, a coed varsity program that is one of the most successful in national competition. Unfortunately for Division I athletes in sports like fencing, winning championships does not guarantee financial stability.
The cash cow of college athletics returns next week, when multimillion-dollar television programming begins with college football and continues through the end of the N.C.A.A. men’s college basketball tournament in April. But for many athletes who compete in sports that do not produce revenue — the sports other than football and basketball — the arrival of the college football season means the return to working for the programs they see on television in order to support their own teams.
At N.C.A.A. Division I universities, football and basketball generate most of the revenue that comes from teams, and even some of those programs cannot make ends meet. For other sports, universities often leave it up to players and coaches to find other sources of funding.
For Butler softball players, that has meant working the gates at football games and cleaning the basketball arena. At Utah, that has led to having swimmers serve as hospitality workers in the suites at football games. And in the case of Penn State’s fencing program, that has involved cleaning the trash left behind by the crowds that attend home football games at Beaver Stadium.
“It’s one of the grossest things I’ll ever have to do — hopefully — in my life,” said the Penn State senior Megan Luteran, a captain of the fencing team, which last season won its 10th national title in 18 years.
Joe Paterno, Penn State’s football coach, only underscored the uncomfortable nature of the fencers’ job when he said his team would help clean Beaver Stadium on Sundays this season without compensation. The decision was a punishment for several football players’ suspected connection to an off-campus fight.
Some coaches and administrators insist that it is unreasonable to ask Division I athletes to participate in small moneymaking projects, especially those that involve working for more profitable programs.
Billy Martin, the coach of U.C.L.A.’s men’s tennis team, a perennial national championship contender, acknowledged that his program could not make any money for the athletic department, but he called some of the small projects “high schoolish.”
Bob Reasso, the men’s soccer coach at Rutgers, said: “You’re not going to ask a major Division I football or basketball athlete to do a car wash. We have the same caliber athletes.”
At Butler, a university that recently cut its men’s lacrosse and men’s swimming programs, the softball coach Jeanne Rayman raises about 15 percent of her program’s annual budget through fund-raisers. Her team has sold cookie sheets and held a beanbag-tossing tournament.
“I’m always looking to find something unique, where people don’t just say, Oh, this is just another fund-raiser,” said Rayman, who says she discloses her team’s efforts when recruiting players.
Butler softball teams have also worked the gates at football games, sold concessions at men’s basketball games, cleaned the basketball arena and helped direct cars at Indiana Pacers and Indianapolis Colts games.
“The reality of where we are today is that we need to find a way to supplement budgets,” said Barry Collier, Butler’s athletic director. “This is part of it.”
Andrew Brown, a senior on the men’s swimming team at Utah, said that male and female swimmers at his university have had to stock suite refrigerators before football games, then hand out marketing materials at the stadium gates and make sure guests in the suites and the press box have enough food and drinks.
“I’m just happy we still have a swimming team, because a lot of Division I teams are being cut,” said Brown, who has an athletic scholarship that pays for his tuition and books.
Other programs choose to avoid small-scale, time-consuming fund-raising work in favor of relying entirely on other sources of funding, like donations. Doug Smith, the associate athletic director for development at Baylor, said he did not believe in “project-oriented programs,” which he said involve too much work and time and produce an inadequate financial return. Penn State’s fencing team sells university merchandise at football games, and the money they gather from stadium cleaning — several thousand dollars a year — enables them to take an overseas trip once every four years.
Jimmy Moody, a junior on the fencing team, said he found the stadium cleaning experience humbling and understood that Penn State’s football team brought in money that benefited his team. But he was also interested in finding out how the football players would react to the dirty work.
“I’m glad for once that they’ll have to do it,” Moody said. “They’ll get a taste of it. They get to see what we do every year.”
N.C.A.A. bylaws limit the number of hours student-athletes can spend on “athletically related activities.” But those activities do not include fund-raising, said Stacey Osburn, a spokeswoman for the N.C.A.A. Osburn said most rules about fund-raising were left up to individual universities.
At Butler, Rayman said, the continual projects can seem like a burden for some of her players.
“They have so much going on in their college lives, trying to be the best athletes they can be and trying to have somewhat of a social life,” Rayman said. “It just becomes a daily grind. It’s more of a drain on them than a morale booster.”
For many student-athletes, including Brown, the Utah swimmer, the choice between working for high-profile teams and abandoning the sports they love is easy to make.
“It’s unfair that we have to put in extra work because our sport might not be as much fun to watch,” Brown said. “But it is fair that the school is giving us a chance to work to keep the program around.”
Emmanuil Kaidanov, Penn State’s fencing coach, said he thought cleaning the stadium, however unpleasant it might be, was a good team-building effort. He emphasized his 10 national titles and asked how anybody could question him.
“We bond through our misery,” Moody said.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Hasta Luego


I am off to Puerto Rico...

enjoy whatwouldclydedo.com (it's not that funny...but it is informative).

Monday, August 13, 2007

Freudian Sleep

get out of my dreams, you terrorist bastard
We all have wierd dreams, most of the time we do not remember them. Today, however, you are in luck...

I don't remember everything but I do know that Magic Johnson and Saddam Hussein have teamed up and want to kill me. They chased me but I was able to escape...barely.

This dream is similar to one a few weeks ago where, with the help of Natalie Portman, I was able to escape the Nazis...Thanks Natalie.
Though I think even Freud would be confused by the relevance of the dreams, I think it's prettyfair to say that we now know for sure that Magic Johnson is a terrorist. Damn you Magic!!

Friday, August 10, 2007

I Bought my Puma's in Williamsburg


not quite a true hipster...yet

As you may recall from a previous post we here at jazzblahg are always trying to expand the American lexicon. Indeed, in the most recent publication of the OED one will find the word "ellios" defined as a verb meaning "to burn the top of one's mouth" That definition was of course created here at jazzblahg. Well, my friends, on this soggy Friday we are introducing a new definition for hipster. from hence forth hipster will mean..."An artist with a full-time job"

That's it...have a great weekend.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The Less We Use, The More We Save #2


I don't mean to brag, but I am the guy Justin conferred with before he decided to bring sexy back.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Extra! Extra!

i actually own this jacket
Today is a big day in the world of Jazzblahg! Indeed, we are introducing our first recurring theme and we could not be more excited about it! The title of the series is : "The Less We Use, The More We Save"...While the first of the series will appear to have something to do with conservation, the title is nothing more than Jazzblahg's attempt to gain readership by playing on the sensitivities of the ever increasing green movement. Indeed, jazzblahg hopes you print this post out on extra thick styrofoam paper.
I digress...The series will consist of one liners or odd sentiments either created or overheard by your resident raconteur and as you can see, the new series promises to be a great success. A recent write up in "bloggers," a bi-annual magazine published online, described 'The Less We Use...' as "patently mediocre" and Clive Barker declared it, "humorous to no one and likely to be hated by most" So you can understand our excitement.

Anyway, you have waited long enough:

The Less We Use, The More We Save: vol. 1, issue 1:

This is an actual quote overheard by jazzblahg: "You should get off the phone now, it's lightening outside"

Friday, July 27, 2007

This is Your Brain on...Grilled Chicken?

eggs and a grill, perfect mates

I was at a local coffee shop the other day, around noon time, when I asked for an egg and cheese sandwich (I am on a diet and hence the lack of bacon). Unfortunately, the horrible but polite woman behind the counter advised me, "we're doing lunch now, no more egg sandwiches." WHAAA? Are you to tell me your grill will not cook egg sandwiches post noon. Does it have an aversion to such a task? I doubt it, it's an inatimate object! And surely I can see no reason the chef would have a problem with it. If the grill is on, it would seem to me that you, being a coffee shop, should be willing to sell me breakfast at noon time. It's not like I was at McDonalds where everyone knows breakfast is not served after 10:30. The McDonald's policy makes sense though because microwaves, unlike grills, can't cook eggs after 10:30. Anyway, I am outraged and I will get my team of investigators on this.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Anonymous

i'm luca bitch

Hello friends. Once again it has been too long since we last spoke. I am happy to report that things are going well in my world. I feel good and I look great!! My hair is growing back and i think i am back under 200 pounds. you wouldn't think i could ever get so fat, but i did. maybe it was the recommended super premium ice cream. maybe it was the cheese on top of everything. maybe it's not important why it happened, it just did...i plan on gaining it all back at the BBQ.

Here are the details. SATURDAY AUGUST 4, 2007

1. if you have not RSVP'd i am assume you are not coming. if you RSVP'd and then moved to california, i assume you are not coming

2. You may arrive at any time after 1:00 p.m....Generally on the weekend trains leave from Grand Central to Westport along the New Haven line on the :07's...12:07, 1:07, etc. From the train station hop a cab...there are tons of them. I live at One Cartbridge Road, Weston, CT. 06883. If you need driving directions...yahoo.com or mapquest.com or google.com should do the trick. I expect most people to arrive between 2-3 but i will be ready at 1 and you are welcome.

3. The party itself will include a pool, pool activities, a large lawn, large lawn activities, fishing (maybe) and food and drink...I will be getting a keg or two, some booze and there will be some non-alcoholic refreshments as well. food will include meat, vegetables baisted in meat, non-meat products rubbed down in meat juice and fruit. (seriously though i will have a few vegeterian options for those of you who have chosen to live a deprived life)

4. Since there will be booze and since drinking and driving is something our parents did, we're having a SLUMBER PARTY. in this regard my house has only three bed rooms. However, it does stand on 1.34 acres of flat lush land so...CAMP OUT... bring your tents. (mom, is this OK?)

i will respond generally once all the questions have come in and i have processed them.

Also (and notwithstanding the fact that mama seems to think i don't want any pictures) I would like to welcome into the world, Luca Sanhez Lehrman.

"heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race" - m. jackson

ack

Friday, July 20, 2007

X-Marks the (g)-Spot

harry wants to use his magic wand

It is well documented that the Harry Potter book has been pre-released on the intraweb by some hooligans. Well, your faithful blogger has found it for you. Below is an excerpt from the last chapter of the book.

Please be aware while reading this will not spoil the ending for you, you may be slightly offended by the X-rated sexual nature of it. So, if you are a mother, please go away....

"Oh Hermione" screamed Ron, as he climaxed. Hiding in the grand spiral stair case they used to play in when they were children, Ron no longer cared who knew about their affair. His lust for her was simply to great. Hermione was a little more secretive about the whole thing. Indeed, not even Harry, her former and sometimes current lover knew about the affair between his two best friends...

It did not take Ron long before he was ready to go again, his young body fully of vigor and excitement. Looking at Hermione as she lay content in the stairwell Ron grabbed her around her waist and took her from behind. Gently caressing her breasts with both hands he bent her over and began to make love to her when he heard the door to the starewell open. "is anyone there?" they heard. It was the unmistakeable voice of Harry...
I'd hate to ruin the ending for the true fans...

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Reality Check

Remember when people born in the 1980's were really young to us. Well, they are now dying in Iraq. The picture above is of Le Ron Wilson who was born in November of 1988. He was from Queens and buried yesterday.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Stop in the Name of...?


don't be a horses ass, exercise you fat bastard

I was at the gym recently for my semi-weekly workout when I encountered an interesting suggestion...I was on the treadmill and decided to take up a little light reading. In this regard the "warning" sign read "discontinue use if you feel faint, dizzy or shortness of breath."

I don't know about you, but if i quit the treadmill upon shortness of breath i would never actually use the treadmill; indeed, i get out breath just looking at a treadmill...Even if that was not true surely i am out of breath after the first few minutes or so (cut me some slack, i am still trying to get back to a ten minute mile).

That's it. I've thought of some really funny things over the past few days but i have not written them down. when they come back to me, watch out! jazzbalhg will be off da hook.

keep on keepin on...know what forget it, stop keepin on, give up, it's a lot easier

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

We Are...

omg, i am so happy i could do sommersaults!!

If I may vent for a moment or two (of course I can, it's my blog so who's really going to stop me), I'd like to address the state of atheletics at the Pennsylvania State University. This fine institution, often confused by outsiders as UPenn (it's not), is a top 50 University in the nation with a nationalistic like pride in its sporting teams. However, this is where I am starting to get a little pissed off. Other than some moderate success in high profile fringe sports played by women (Volleyball and Soccer) Penn State athletics has produced quite little. Indeed, today I was on gopsusports.com to see what was going in the world of Happy Valley. It was there I discovered that PSU ranked 21 nationally in overall sporting success. That, you migh think is pretty good; and you'd be right if our ranking wasn't bolstered by national championships in Men's Gaynastics (yes, Mens!) and Fencing. Yes, PSU has the best fencing program in the nation. In fact, while I was there (Class of 99) it was the only national championship we won.

So, before we get too excited can we please go out there, beat Michigan in something, win a few basketball games (mens) and bring home that crystal ball in early January.

** author forgot about the #3 ranking in football in 2005-2006 at beginning of post. nonetheless, he still generally agrees with the thoughts opined in this blog. Also, he his happy for the men's gymnasts, it's just that he wants to win in a sport that is televised.

Friday, July 6, 2007

If You Don't Wear a Belt...

No, this is not poo. It's dark graphite, similar to the kind used in No. 2 pencils

In furtherance our continuing coverage into the competetive and often deadly world of pencils, the following report on the inventor of the No.2 pencil was recently published by "Graphite Monthly"

By: jazzwalk

Simon Adirondack (S.A.) Caraballo hasn't always lived in a mansion on Lake Tahoe; Indeed, the man once known to his friends and "Light Writing Lou" was voted by his high school class 'most likely not to succeed." However, in a remarkable turn of events, Mr. Caraballo went from being a nobody to being one of the wealthiest men in the Graphite industry.

"I remember it well" Mr. Caraballo recalled. "It was 1984 and I...I mean we, Mike [referreing to Michael Scantron, See Vol.2 Issue 9] and I were on a graphite intensive backapacking trip when we stumbled upon some really dark looking graphite. At first I thought it was lead" he laughed, "can you even imagine?"

That is where the joy for one began and the horror for another was only starting to commence. Mr. Caraballo knew the power of being able to write dark, or rather, the horror of not and immeidately claimed the grahite for he and mike. "I told mike, this is the big one, this is the one that's going to make that facacta machine of yours a million dollar idea. But mike wouldn't listen. he told me that people don't want to write dark, it's too hard to erase and the machine could get confused. I told mike, look, i didn't get the name "Light Writing Lou" for nothing. I think I know a little bit about the subject. He wouldn't listen, he just told me he wished he could erase me from the earth and stormed off. that's the last time we spoke. "

Since S.A. Caraballo's graphite discovery came after mr. scantron's he decided to name his pencil, the no. 2.


... your pencil fall down

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Dinner and a Movie?



A.O. Scott after seeing License to Wed


Sorry, I know it's been a few days...and it's going to be a few more. However, in my absence I thought you might enjoy A.O. Scott's review of the movie License to Wed...He didn't like it.


In “License to Wed,” Ben and Sadie, a perfectly nice-seeming, personality-free couple (John Krasinski and Mandy Moore), meet at a Starbucks, fall in love and decide to marry. I’m sure you’re as happy for them as I am. But wait. An obstacle lies between them and wedded bliss in the unctuous, smiling person of Robin Williams, who plays a minister with definite ideas about what it takes to make a marriage work.

What it takes is for Reverend Frank, as he is known, to harass, browbeat and humiliate the intendeds (Ben in particular) for three weeks, until they are ready to call it quits. Only if they can survive his brutal training course in matrimony — which starts with a bloody nose for the would-be groom and includes a hidden microphone in the bedroom and twin robot babies programmed to throw tantrums and soil diapers — will poor Sadie and Ben have what it takes to persevere till death do they part.

As for myself, I will confess that the only thing that kept me watching “License to Wed” until the end (apart from being paid to do so) was the faith, perhaps misplaced, that I will not see a worse movie this year. Come to think of it, the picture might be useful in certain circumstances, much in the way that Reverend Frank’s training program is supposed to be. If the beloved with whom you see “License to Wed” can’t stop talking about how great it was, you might want to cancel the nuptials. Or, if it’s too late for that, call a lawyer.

Slickly directed by Ken Kwapis from an incoherent and derivative script by writers whose anonymity it may be kinder to protect, “License” contains not a single emotionally credible or comically revealing moment. Instead it is a fabric of clichés, from Ben’s best buddy, Joel (DeRay Davis), whom marriage and fatherhood have rendered completely stupid, to Carlisle (Eric Christian Olsen), Sadie’s metrosexual confidant and a pale approximation of the character played by Owen Wilson in “Meet the Parents.”

Also in the background are Christine Taylor, doing her best in a nastily conceived role as Sadie’s bitter, boozy, divorced older sister, and Josh Flitter as Reverend Frank’s young sidekick. Young Mr. Flitter, the designated irritant in “Nancy Drew,” here does his utmost to prevent Mr. Williams from being the most annoying person in the movie. Remarkably, he succeeds, since Mr. Williams shows impressive restraint (or perhaps just fatigue) when it comes to breaking out the funny accents and rapid-fire non sequiturs.

The terribleness of “License to Wed” is not really Mr. Williams’s fault, in any case. A job is a job. But it is sometimes hard to tell whether Reverend Frank is meant to be one of his creepy, villainous performances (as in “One Hour Photo” or “Insomnia”) or to belong in his much larger gallery of twinkly, warmhearted menschen.

Here is a clergyman (Frank’s high-churchy denomination is not specified, maybe for fear of protests) whose only companion, day and night, seems to be a prepubescent boy. (“Reverend Frank is everywhere,” the youngster marvels. Ick.) The good pastor seems a bit too eager to ask “our little Stacy” what she likes to do in bed. He also launches into a mini-tirade at one point about Sadie’s supposed “liberal college” and “bisexual roommate.” Surely this film is a scabrous, cynical satire of religious authority run amok.

Surely not. It is only the latest attempt by a Hollywood studio to pander to prurience and piety in a single gesture, and to avoid giving offense by treating all possible factions of the public equally, which is to say like idiots. Ben, quite reasonably objecting to Reverend Frank’s intrusiveness, is portrayed as selfish and clueless, while Sadie’s cheerful acceptance of the minister’s wisdom is evidence of her own. And Frank is wrecking their happiness only for their own good, pretending (one guesses) to be a vile caricature conjured from a cesspool of atheist calumny in order to steer his lambs onto the path of righteousness and decency.

And so, by the end, Sadie and Ben have been compelled toward some astonishing revelations: She is a bit of a control freak; he is kind of a slacker. They need to communicate better. By all means, let them. I think I’ve made myself clear enough.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Erasing the Past


Wanna know who's pissed? I'll tell you; it's the guy who invented the No. 1 pencil. I recently had a conversation with him. The following is a copy of the transcript.

Me: So, why the No. 1 pencil?

Michael Scantron: When the idea first came to me I couldn't have been more excited. I had just come back from a graphite intensive backpacking trip and knew the opportunities were endless.

Me: Huh?

Scantron: Well, as everyone knows pencils contain graphite, not lead. The graphite we explored was really great. I mean it was eraseable, non-toxic and most importantly, not too dark. I thought to myself, the kids are really going to love this stuff, especially because it's not too dark. I mean, who wants a pencil that's too dark? no one, because it can't be erased properly! Nonetheless, when i pitched my program to the schools they told me they were going with the No. 2 pencil because it was darker and the scantron machines couldn't read the No. 1 pencil

Me: But you are the guy who invented the scantron machine right?

Scantron: Yeah, which doesn't make this any easier on me. I mean I purchased 2000 pounds of graphite. What the hell am i going to do with it?

And so it is in the incredibly ironic life of michael scantron.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Chase(ing) His Own Tail


As a final thought on this issue...I have read other's comments, re-watched the final episode with those comments in mind and I have come to a conclusion regarding the final Sopranos...Meadow Soprano cannot parallel park.

That's it, that's what the whole series was about. Think about it, in the first season she was about 16 and learning to drive. We watched her go off to school and then become a woman. Finally in the last episode we see her trying to parallel park a Lexus (a car that is supposed to parallel park itself) but she can't. It was all there the whole time.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thank You, Come Again

India's top chef is actually making doughnuts.

If you are a recurrent reader of this blog you know that I know what's going on in the world of Dunkin Donuts. (Jabba the Goodman; Dunagrees are Neat). I am not exactly sure why I have such an obsession with the purveyor of adequate coffee and donuts, but I do. Nonetheless, as a connoisseur of this franchise, I have intimate knowledge of the inner working of the company and its employees. In this regard I have an answer to the age old question, "why do so many Indians (that's hindu/sihk indians, not native american indians) own/work at dunkin donuts." Well, after thousands of dollars of research and hundreds of hours spent in the lab, the scientific answer to this question is....are you ready...Indians love adequate coffee and donuts. That's it, pretty simple. Really, it seems like a waste of money and lab time. However, and this needs to be investigated further, it is also believed that Indians love to microwave eggs.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I Can't Hear You


I recently purchased a new set of headphones, my original Ipod pair (why do we call it a pair when it is only one?) predicatbly breaking after one year of use. Unfortunately i have been unable to open the package yet. The plastic packaging is so strong that no man can open said packaging without a scissor. The problem is that the scissor i purchased to open the headphone box is also in that super strong plastic packaging. I really can't figure out why they have to use plastic that has been reinforced by the Bessemer process. Whatever happened to the cardboard back packaging? (think he-man figure) that always seemed to work well. Further, what happens after you get the package open and then decide you want to return the product. you can't because you destroyed the packaging...I smell another scam, similar to the canned air. I am starting an investigative committee.

Also, i am pleased to say that i completely do not know what the cut to black was supposed to represent, though i read a recent quote by david chase that said, "it was all right there." therefore, i believe tony soprano is dead, which is why, for the first time ever, the credits lacked music.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Fade to Black


I generally hate to bring sense into this blog and i have never allowed another's thoughts to be published on this page; however, a member of my fantasy league posted a very informative "essay" on the Sopranos. It is filled with great information...

"Wasn't sure if you guys picked up on this but the guy at the bar wa sNikki Leotardo. (this is in the credits) The same actor played him in the first part of season 6 during a brief sit down concerning the future of Vito. He is the nephew of Phil. Phil's brother Nikki Senior was killed in 1976 in a car accident.Also, the trucker was the brother of the guy who was robbed by Christopher in Season 2. Remember the DVD players? The trucker had to identify the body. The boy scouts were in the train store where Bobby got shot, and the last crew to walk in (the blackguys) were the ones who tried to kill Tony and only clipped him in the ear (I think season 2)So there were three people in the restaurant who had reason to kill Tony and then it just ends. It's the situation Tony has created for himself. At any moment it could be family or an enemy walking threw the door. The hard cut to black was the end of Tony. In the beginning of the season when he was talking to Bobby about getting whacked he said, "They say, you never hear it coming, and then it all goes black." And that's exactly what happened. But who did it?"Meadow was spared also, and I guess we are supposed to be happy about that, because she would have been sitting between the shooter and tonyIN retrospect, very well done.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

You Choo Choo Choose Me


The thing about promoting your blog (and thanks to those of you who joined in) is that you really should have something ready the next day to publish. Due to the nature of this blog (inanity, a perfectly cromulent word) it is hard to come up with ideas all the time. Ergo, some posts will be better than others

That being said, today's topic is "the train's dispatcher", a wo/man i am not very fond of. We all know the train's dispatcher from our trips on the subway..."we apologize for the inconvenience, but we are being held momentarily by the train's dispatcher" And that is precisely the reason i don't like the dispatcher, s/he's always holding me up. Never once have i heard, "we'll be arriving ahead of schedule thanks to the train's dispatcher". Not even a "was it not for the train's dispatcher we'da been even later" No, simply holding me up all the time.

Now, some of you may say, if the dispatcher failed to hold you up, you'd crash. fooey to that argument; like my dad says, "if the queen had balls, she'd be king" Exactly!!

Finally, a quick prediction, the Cavs will be lucky to win a game.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Tired Sac of Shit


For Yankee fans it has not been a very good season. Damon is playing hurt (hopefully), Bobby Abreu is afraid to run into his own shadow and Mike Mussina is no longer the .500 pitcher he once was. However, over this weekend everything changed. No, it was not the 2 of 3 from the red sox they so desperately needed. Rather, it was the hilarious injury to Roger Clemens that has put the whole thing into perspective. Indeed, Roger Clemens, the 25 million dollar man afraid to pitch against his former team was sidelined due to a fatigued right groin.

First off, has anyone heard of this injury before...(it's rhetorical, of course not). Second, how did he get this injury? We could of course give him the benefit of the doubt, but i'd like to think he tired it out during his rigorous railroad session in west Hollywood. Lastly, why is ESPN running NFL live 5 days a week during the off season.

and remember, if you're not keepin it real, you're just not keepin it.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Air Head


This guy purchased canned air.

You know who is a smart guy? The guy who decided to market air in a can. As far as I know, air is free. However, once in can form it is as expensive as lox or a large container of fresh squeezed orange juice. (both more delicious than air in a can)

Today, in an attempt to clean my air conditioner (cleaner, but not any quieter), i purchased said canned air. Now, i know I live in NYC and things cost more here than they should. However, $8.49 plus tax for air is simply ridiculous. I mean it's just canned pressure. Haven't they been selling products in cans with air pressure for a hundred years at a fraction of the price? and don't those cans come with something in them. there is clearly some sort of conspiracy here and i am not happy about it.

anyway, i am going to sit back and relax in my noisy, but cool, apartment.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Ice Cream Emptiness


would he be so happy if his scooper failed to push the ice cream into the cone?

You wanna know what really sticks me like a sharp pickle? (of course you do, that's why you've visited)...when the ice cream place doesn't push the ice cream into the cone, but instead leaves the single scoop on top. I'll telll you why this is wriong. First and foremost, when this happens one gets less ice cream. If I've gone out for ice cream obviously I am a fan of ice cream and getting only a single scoop is hardly sufficient to satisfy my craving. I understand that the board says "one scoop" so technically that is all I have asked for; however, for the past one hundred years ice cream parlors have been pushing ice cream into the cone, it's has become the norm and therefore i have a right to expect same...well, maybe it shouldn't be the norm, look how fat america is. wrong, ice cream is not the cause of america's obesity, it's high fructose corn syrup and i've never seen a corn flavored ice cream.


Why else is not pushing the ice cream scoop into the cone wrong? I'm glad you asked....it is also wrong because it makes it significantly more difficult to eat and possible loss of ice cream can happen at any time. What i mean by this is as follows. Ice cream is like water, the molecules stick together. So, if one was to push hard on the top portion of the cone, the ice cream "scoop" would be safe. However, if there is nothing in the cone to which the scoop has attached itself, then an accidental push might cause the entire scoop to fall crashing to the floor. this can also occur if the ice cream is held at a 45 degree angle or greater. In this reagrd, you now have two prolmes. one, you have lost your ice cream and two you have sadness. this of course could have been avoided by simply pushing the ice cream into the cone first.


Lastly, and perhaps the most important reason the scoop on top is just plain wrong...it reaks havoc on the best part of the ice cream cone, the bottom.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

25c a glass


And that is that. I have been released from the hospital for the very last time!! My treatment went well and i am home in my apartment feelin OK. I have scheduled tests toward the end of June to confirm all is well. In the interim, i will be rehabilitating and gaining the strength necessary to return to normal activities...i.e., drinking.

Throughout this ordeal people have offered me some good advice...hang in there; keep your head up; stay strong. thanks. however, there is one piece of advice i simply cannot agree with...when god gives you lemons, make lemonade. i must say that if god gives me lemons, there is no way that i am going to make lemonade with those lemons. those be some valuable lemons. i mean, god has stretched out his/her/its hand to give me lemons and you want me to waste those lemons and make lemonade? i suppose that would be some delicious lemonade...still, i think its better to leave the lemons as god gave them to me.

anyway, as stated, assuming all goes well, the party on Saturday August 4, 2007 remains the day to which we all look forward. I am planning on making this a big bash and need your help in bringing this to fruition. First, you should come. if you are on this list, i want you there. that's all i am going to say about that.

second. if you have a friend you think will add to the festivities, bring that person.

third...got kids, don't be afraid to bring them, just be prepared to watch the. also, they are automatic captains for the whiffle ball game(s).

fourth...let me know if you will be there...i need to know if you are coming since i need to buy food, etc. THIS is very important.

fifth...unlike previous parties, a recommended donation will be requested...i suspect about 10-20 a head (includes all food and booze)...kids eat free.

hope to see you soon.

much love for all the love

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Base Camp


To be honset, the reason i have not written in so long is because i have nothing funny left. sure i am still funny, but i simply have nothing left. i mean, do you really want to hear of my love of cheese? i suppose however you never really needed to know of a lot of the things that have been expressed on the "andy's got cancer and i care how he's doing, but i really look forward to his non-sensical rant much more" email.

anyway, my running out of things to say could not have come at a better time as i go into the hospital for the final time this weekend. hell's yeah!! that's right, my last treatment begins on saturday and ends on monday. while i do not know for sure if it is the same as last time i will be located on th 12th floor of sloan (enter through the 1275 york ave b/w 67/8 entrance - M elevators)....on saturday i may be somewhere else for part of the day (just call before you come).
from here, a couple more tests, a few weeks of rehab and i am back in the saddle.

ALSO, and this is very important, the PARTY celebrating me being cured/not being dead will be on Saturday August 4, 2007. It will be at my parents house in connecticut and will include a pool, a keg, activities and you and your loved ones. anyone and everyone is invited. i will remind you of this later in the summer, but mark your calendars now.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

IV Dreams


It's not easy to fall asleep in a hospital bed, especially when they are poking and prodding every few hours or so. for the record, my tempature is 36.6 C, my oxygen level is 96%, my blood pressure is about 120/70 and my pulse is somewhere around 75. despite these encouraging vitals, i was unable to fall asleep on saturday night. i tried the tv...no luck...some cards...nope...a little reading...as if. with no where else to turn i started counting sheep. after just a couple of minutes i was no longer counting sheep. was i sleeping? no...i was imagining the guys from jackarse (spelling edited for filters) dressed up in cow outfits jumping over fences with hillarious results!! while this did little to make me rest, it did put a smile on my face.

speaking of smiling...ONE treatment to go (as always, assuming all goes to plan). in two weeks i should enter the hospital for the last time!!!

as for now, the treatment takes a lot out of me, but i am able to do basic chores and care for myself...as a result i am in the city in my apartment.

while there is still some medicine to be completed before we bid this ordeal farewell, a long overdue shoutout goes to rachel, who has been incredible for me through this enitre process and has helped me keep my spirits and sanity...even sleeping by my side while in the hospital. thanks!

to the rest of you, who visit, call, write, email, take me out to lunch,etc. your support has been nothing less than necessary.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

271 is not 227?




ahh, if only we all lived in a world with cool thin moustached handymen

8 million people in an area the size of a large farm is going to cause for some unwanted consternation among its residents. Undoubtedly, if you've had an apartment in NYC you've had a neighbor who in a pain in the arse. Even I, a friend to all, has had my run in with neighbors. However, never have i encoutered such a lengthy feud as the one that has been ongoing with my dowstairs neigbor. Affectionately known as "no sex" my neighbor has constantly complained since i moved in 3 years ago. First it was noise, and to be honset, there were some late loud nights. Once the nosie problem was solved (I lowered my radio) she turned complaint to smell. The accusation, her apartment smelled like cigarettes. In this regard, i listened to and then ignored her complaints. I mean what was i supposed to do? change my life for her. not likely. However, this morning i was awoken by a phone call from my super nice landlord. The complaint, cigarette smell. He wants to send his handyman to my apratment to close open spaces to prevent the smell from seeping through. Of course, the problem with this is that i don't smoke and have not gone near a cigarette in some time. Oh Joy!!! I have writtten this letter to my soon to be devastated neighbor.

"Dear Neighbor - Please leave me alone. I have not smoked a cigarette since November 2006. Ergo, I ask that you turn your mania toward the source of your discontent. Regards, Apt. 5"

There were much longer and sarcastic versions, but i figured i'd go with the short one since y'all have been required to read a book.

OK, on to my physical well being: The good news is that i went to my doctor yesterday and he said everything looked good. also, i finally feel pretty good coming off the last treatment. the bad news is that i am back in the hospital this weekend to recieve another round of treatment. on friday is rituxin and is an outpatient thing. saturday, i am back in for ice and should be released on monday. the same as last time. the good news from this is that after this only one more treatment and i am done. my doctor indicated that by mid-june, after a little time to recover, i should be 100%. once again, please feel free to visit. i will not know any details until friday after 4 and i will provide them then.

as for "ice", no it is not crack, though that would be cool. it's an acronym for the cocktail of drugs they use.

thanks for all the support

Monday, April 30, 2007

Where You Been?




I wonder if certain jobs are filled by people predisposed to being nice. I believe they are. For example, kindegarten teachers would fit into this category. In this regard, I think that deli meat slicers are generally good people. More often than not they will let you try a slice, give you an extra few ounces and generally have a good disposition. I also happen to like NYC bus drivers. On more than a few occassions i have ridden the bus despite having an invalid metro card. By making these statements i do not mean to say all, because nothing is ever 100%, except of course, 100%.


I know it's been a while, but that's all i got for now.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Half Assed

Why do they only seed one side of the bagel? Do I eat only 1/2 of the bagel? No! So, why only seed 1/2 of it. Imagine your the poor sucker who bought the bagel depicted above, he's only enjoying a 1/4 poppy bagel. They must know that we (and by we I mean you and me) cut our bagel in half, lengthwise, and then put our spread (hopefully lox or some sort of smoked fish) on the bagel. The only people i know who cut the bagel teh other way are mexican people working in delis and they cannot be blamed. It would be like blaming me for making a bad fajita. You know what, I do make a bad fajita (pronounced fa gee ta). The shit always falls out on me. I say we leave the bagels to the jews and fajitas to the mexicans.

Friday, March 16, 2007

After Midnight


Cinderella is having a hard time fitting into her shoes this year...
will be back to normal next week, just lacking any time (or really creative ideas) this week.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

What's your shoe size?


I apologize to my fans for not having posted in a few days. I have been very busy at work...Enjoy a post from an NCAA tourney pool (Grab em in the Biscuits) from last year.
As outgoing champion and one who has little to do at work right now, I thought it would be nice to compose a message. Of course, in drafting this message, I have nothing in particular to say. This is par for the course.
Two years ago, a family from humble roots began it accent to the top of the fantasy basketball world. Seth Kaye, long time apathetic sports fan, filled his brackets with ease and grace; undoubtedly supported by a little advice from the egomaniacal fat guy and his mad dog. By the time the smoke cleared, Mr. Kaye was dining with Colonel Sanders, not on his chicken, but instead, his biscuits. So delicious were biscuits he recommended his son try some. However, all the biscuits were gone, so it would not be until next year that his son would be afforded such an opportunity.
Next year came, and young Kaye, who his parents have told him refuses to listen to anyone, took to preparing his brackets with no help at all. However, according to a recent IQ test offered and taken on the internet, young Kaye is “gifted.” Therefore, there was little doubt that he was up to the task at hand. (Don’t doubt, you know it’s true because it was on the internet). By the end of the first week young Kaye found himself at or near the top of the standings. By the end of the second week, it was all but over. So, in the grand fashion that had become custom, young Kaye dined with the Colonel. Inasmuch as young Kaye does not eat fried chicken from KFC, his choice of sustenance was easy. Biscuits, biscuits and more biscuits.
Many questioned whether young Kaye was eating the biscuits because y’all just paid for his trip to London or because of his devotion to the most yummy of bread sources. Little matter, the butter soaked bisucits went down easy.
This brings us to 2006, where our Champion is a man who also loves biscuits. In fact, he likes them so much he named a fantasy league after them. I digress, given Mr. G’s (hey, isn’t that the weather guy) subscription to ESPNs excessive and self-promotional coverage of all college basketball games he should have won (is ESPN the MTV of the 21st Century?) . Congrats….
So now, we all look forward to the conclusion of the 2006 tournament and the start of the 2007 tourney. What will happen then?, will family Kaye re- capture the crown or will it capture the friedmans (wait, wasn’t that a movie?); perhaps the Royal Tennenbaums, and by that time there will be 2, will take the title; Maybe Evan “ice cream” Cohen will finally push through, who knows. Perhaps, Melissa “I need a” Dickman has it in her (1. no pun intended 2. is she even in our pool?) . Or will it be any of these people, Joe “Liberty” DeVito; Alec “aptly named” Grossman; Brian “I got” Steckloff “when I saw brokeback mountain”;
Needless to say, no one knows what will happen.
I can’t believe you read this far, it’s like when Ferris told you go home…so, I recommend you stop reading, I mean it, the essay is over…stop, stop!…jesus, go home, stop reading, etc, etc, etc…

Monday, March 12, 2007

A Woman Trapped


There are few men in our lives that we encounter that have the ability to shape our identities and define who we become. If we are lucky these men are our fathers or our political leaders. Other times we find these men in our sports arenas or on the screen. For me, Richard Jeni was one of thse men.

A self-described platypus man (I am unsure if he had webbed feet) Mr. Jeni first appeared in my life in the early 1990s and his 1.5 hour comedy special on HBO was no less than absolutely stellar. Indeed, Mr. Jeni is a man who worked in a woman's shoe store with hilarious results (one woman's foot is reported to have been a canoe), introduced us to Captain Obvious (getting tackled by a 300 pound man hurts), demonstrated to us what it is like to be a bachelor (we all knew macaroni and cheese was delicious, but who could imagine it was so funny?) and explained that he often felt he was a woman trapped in a man's body, but never had the proper outlet to express his entrapment (if only he was a real NFL referee!).

Perphaps it was Mr. Jeni's inability to be who he really was, or maybe it was his complete lack of any semblance of a sense of humor post Platypus Man (see "aristocrats" or most recent HBO special) but Mr. Jeni died today when he took a gun to himself blowing his face off. (omitted is tasteless joke regarding finding what remained of mr. jeni's sense of humor)

Depsite what may appear to be a callous attitude toward Mr. Jeni's apparent suicide, it does makes me sad. He brought me many an outstaindg afternoon with good friends and to this day I still quote "the routine."

Dear Mr. Jeni, you will be missed (although because we have your funny routine on video, not that much).

Caveat: absent exigent circumstances not known to the author at the time of publication (i.e., Mr. Jeni was an exitentialist who had outlived his usefulness), the author does not have much sympathy for people that committ suicide, although he does feel especially bad for those that loved and cared for the deceased.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

I Shouldn't have ordered the fish (reprise)




They say that the wolverine has no control over itself when it eats and actually can gorge itself to death. i learned this watching the discovery channel when a wolverine squeezed itself between two trees in an effort to force out excess food that would have killed the ferocious critter had it taken no action. i am pleased to say that the animal survived. i am less pleased to report that it has not lost a significant sporting event to penn state since.

what, you ask does this have to do with my condition. well, first off, as you are well aware connecting one thought to another is not my MO; however, in this instance, there is actually a small conneciton. last night i may have bitten off more than i could chew (pun intended) and around 2:00 a.m. i was forced to "wolverine" (Wolverine = vomit). so, 4 treatments in, the damn medicine finally got to me. ironic that a medicine should make you sicker, but that's another topic for another day. (perhaps you will see such a discussion on this very idea at http://www.jazzblahg.blogspot.com/, which, according to blog magazine is "the best new blog on the internet" and "makes absolutely no sense at all"). today, i feel significantly better and with a more careful diet should be able to avoid any further ramifications.

of couse, being 4 treatments in means that we are more than half way through...only 2 treatments to go!! for those of you wondeirng and assmumig all goes well, there will be a big arse party sometime over the summer. aside form cake, there will be a pool, whiffle ball and many other fun activities that have yet to be decided. let's call them surprises.

in case you do not read my blog, i wanted you to know...14 stories below, they call me mr. big hot pastrami.

keep on keepin on.

andy

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Dungarees are Neat


As you may recall from a previous post, the idea of John Goodman as spokesman for Dunkin Donuts makes me kinda nauseous. Therefore, in what can only be described as "at a third grade level," I have edited the above photograph to match the image in my head.


In other news, it brings me great joy that scotter libby will be spending some time in jail. while i am sure he is taking a fall for higher ranking officials, i.e., cheney, i could not be more pleased that someone from the bush administration is going to jail. let's keep our fingers crossed that there will be more.


also, i was remiss in forgetting to express my deep dissapointment in the Dook program. With friends from bith institutions i rarely take sides and generally have the utmost respect for both programs. however, intentionally going after a key player as that team enters the tourney with an honest shot to take the title...not cool. Dook and its fans should be embarrased. as a result of their actions, i now hope dook's run of sweet 16 ends.


i apologize for making so much sense and actually expressing legitimate ideas. in the next post i will return to unconnected random thoughts.


Monday, March 5, 2007

my broken heart to heart




Due to an overwhelming response, I have decided to coninue to send emails regarding my tretament, etc. I hope that you will still continue to visit my blog at http://www.jazzblahg.blogspot.com/. there, you will find my trademark non-sensical rants not available via email as well as additional surprises that should not be missed (today's posting will be this email, but tomorrow i have some special things planned, so you definitely don't want to miss that!!).


Today of course was a treatment day and I am pleased, as always, to report no side effects other than some sleepiness; which, i am not sure is a side effect as much as it is a way of life. Wednesday is the next treatment...


Also, and this is big news, the 1991 hit "hands up" performed by Captain Bar-Mitzvah and produced by Heart to Heart was not created by Heart to Heart. According to my sources this song was popularized years earlier at various Club Meds through out the world. I am not really sure what to make of this. I'm mean, how else has Heart to Heart misguided us. Does 7-up mean go instead of freeze? which way am i supposed to run when i hear coke? Am i goping to be stripped of my one and only coke and pepsi title (evan's bar-mitzvah)? How much money does heart to heart owe for blatant copyright violations? Alas, today is a sad day indeed.


thanks, as always, for the positive energy.


ack

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Pardon My English


I have been receiving comments from some of you regarding my spelling and/or grammar. To those people I say, proof reading is like a lollipop, it's for suckers. I am of course a highly literate individual with an expansive vocabulary and I am (notice the parallel construction) looking to expanding it futher. I figure the easiest way to do this is to make up my own words. Therefore, i am proposing "Ellios" as a verb.

To Ellios = to burn the top of one's mouth

As long as we're within the pneumbra of English class, I am of the opinion that if one reads 400+ pages over a week and a half, the book should be over. If I read that many pages I want to have reached the climax and denouement, I do not want to have 300 more pages to go. In any event, the book is very good (Shantaram)

Also, I must make a confession reagarding Ms. San Diego. The truth is I made the whole thing up. I did not see her. I made up the t-shirt (though it is a good idea) and i am sorry for getting your hopes up.

Lastly, I would like to welcome those of you who have found my blog outside the network. We are reaching as far as colorado these days.

They call me Mr. Hot Pastrami.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

The Man's Crazy


I can't believe it, but I found her. It's absolutely mind blowing, but the answer to one of life's great questions has been answered...Carmen San Diego is living in Staten Island. I saw her waiting for the bus. She's much less attractive than one would have thought. How do I know it was her?...she was wearing a T-shirt that read, I'm carmen san diego and I am living with Waldo. Whoda thought that carmen san diego and waldo were living in the same place? Pretty amazing and the kind of information you just can't get anywhere else.
You might ask what the above information has to do with the photo i have attached to today's posting. and to answer your question, it has nothing to do with anything. it's a funny picture and i thought you would enjoy it.
have a great day. next week is a treatment week so stay tuned for details.






Wednesday, February 28, 2007

A Ghetto Fab

They say everyone in this world has a look a like. back in the day i was compared to ross from friends, which (not sandwhich, just the regular which) always diassapointed me. not because he's a bad looking guy, rather, because he was a grade a loser. always moping around wondering if he was gonna get rachel. god, that show sucked. anyway, i return to my point, the body double. there is a doctor in my cardiologist's office who looks exactly like the philip seymour hoffman character from Boogie Nights. same belly, same hair, they even have the same walk. in fact, in thinking about it, i'm pretty sure it's the same guy.

speaking of gay, on my way home from the doc's office i saw something wierd. it was a gay hip hop couple being relatively affectionate with each other...and this wasn't a well dressed hip hop where maybe they live outside the community (making it less wierd...the hip/hop commuinity isn't all that open), more like welfare ghetto fabulous, such as "that enyce looks amazing on you" or "honey, as long as they say timberland on them, no one's going to question it." now, it is possible that one of the guys was a very, very unattractive girl dressed in men's clothes, but if that is the case, i'm pretty sure the other guy (the one we can be sure is a guy) is in to shit that's not even on the internet.

also, i will bet you never heard this before but... i am pretty sure kazam is the greatest movie ever made.

anyway, those are my observations today, i hope you enjoy them and i look forward to bringing them to you on a fairly regular basis.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Jabba the Goodman

I was watching TV last night when i saw a new commercial for a dunkin donut breakfast sandwhich that included a maple flavored sausage (more on this later). The commercial was of course voiced over by john goodman. now, john goodman is a fine man and solid SNL host. however, i cannot get over that he is the voice for DD. as i listen to him talk about the new cookies or white hot cocoa or breakfast sandwhich i am a little turned off. i have this image in my head of him sitting there like jabba the hut with the time to make the dounut guy chained to him as he, jabba goodman, engulfs the new breakfast sandwich and washes down same with ladles of hot cocoa...the man's fat. someone shoudl tell jabba goodman that running on dunkin only counts as exercise if you actually run, repeating the slogan doesn't help.

now, on to more important issues...the influx of maple syrup in all things breakfast. we, of course have known for many years that syrup makes things better. the bacon as a side of pancakes is better after sautaing (sp?) in syrup; the same is true of sausage. however, it was not until McDonald's itroduced the mcgriddle that we started seeing syrup incorporated into our breakfast sandwhiches. now, with DD's introduction of their new sandwhich and the pancakee/sausage on a stick sold by the daily show, i think the future of mapel syrup and my breakfast is quite bright

Monday, February 26, 2007

TREATMENT INFO

See the archives to the right...anytime you have any questions about when I am treating, where I will be, etc. you can just click on the TREATMENT INFO blahg and all your questions should be answered...of course, additional questions can be emailed to me. Visitors remain welcome, as do personal emails.

3/5 at 9 (treatment 4)
3/7 at 12:30 (treatment 4 cont'd)
3/26 and 3/28 at 11:30 (treatment 5)
4/16 and 4/18 at 11 (treatment 6)
5/7 at 11 (treatment last!)

location: 142 East 81st St. (b/w Lex and 3d)

june/july/august - party

A Shiny New World (Reprise)

It appears that the momentum from my hair shaving has reached itsapex. One of the world's coolest people has chosen to "go andy." That's right, it was revealed at the oscars last night that Jack is now bald. (and i'm not talking Palance - he was actually last seenmumbling to himself, "i can do a one armed push up...curly's gold!"). Nichalson/Kaye, Kaye/Nichalson, no matter how you say it, it just sounds right...also, because it's jack he will not be getting the"bitemaster award" recently bestowed upon poor britney. even if he has tripped over diane keaton the past few years (who, still looks pretty good for an old brawd) he's still jack.

as for me, i feel fine and nothing has changed....i am just writing because i want to.

also, i have come up with a new saying, bringing my total to 3. the new saying comes when faced with a situation that is for suckers and/or is passe...for example, if someone was to come up to you and say...hey, wanna check out my new portable CD player...you'd say...a portable CD player is like a lollipop...it's for suckers [to properly use [insert sucker item here and then continue] is like alollipop..it's for suckers.

my older sayings inlcude and are limited to...when something does not fit someone at all you say..."yeah, it fits like OJ's glove"...use this at a party and you are gauranteed to be a hit.

my last saying is: "beat like a horse in a glue factory" - which came to me after reading animal farm and requires no further explination.

i hope you all had killer weekends. also, keep you eyes open for a new blog on the internet, i believe there may be one coming soon.

ack

A brave new world

My first post is for pratice. Please accept that things will get better.