Cash Cow

no my friends, that's not a manatee, it's a Yankee

Where to start....hmmm, it's one thing to outbid another team by 21 million dollars, but to outbid yourself by 21 million dollars, That just doesn't seem to make economic sense. This of course does not address that the Yankees already had the highest bid by 40 million. It's official, the new Steinbrenner is way crazier than the old one.

I know what you're thinking...why are you posting what all Yankee fans were already thinking. Well, mainly because of the great headline i came up with. In addition however, what's the deal with the extra one million. Was 160 million not enough? Were CC and his agent sitting in a room laughing with each other saying lets see if they'll cave for the extra million. "We agree you offer of 160 million is fair and far exceeds anything CC will see from someone else" says the agent, "but I've told you, either CC gets 161 million or we're signing with someone else." "Mr. Steinbrenner" says Cashman, "they wont take less than 161 million. " "Well then offer them 180 million, that should do. Oh, and throw in a year's worth of Godiva chocolates, that should keep him happy when he's not eating something else. "

Ahh, the New York Yankees...good luck on that AJ Burnett deal. Hopefully you can snag him off the market for only 20 million more than anyone else is willing to give the injury prone fireballer.

K-Rod: 36 Million

Putz: 5.5 Million in a trade

CC Sabathia: Priceless...oh wait, i mean 161 million.

Simply Amazing

I went to google images and simply typed in "greatest photograph ever". What an amazing product that google is.

However, and notwithstanding the infinite possibilities the above photograph provides, the reason for the search and the reason for a blog today is this...

jazzblahg is pleaded to direct you to the New York Times (make sure to check out the slide show)

Checkin In

Still Delicious

To those of you who have seen this before and were excited that I had a new post, I am sorry. I have decided to post on this blog anything that I think is clever and allows me to cut and paste. I hope to bring completely original content to this bog every once in a while...well, once in a while seems like an awful lot, let's just say I hope...

Good day folks. I know it's been a slow season for your commissioner. However, as you may have heard, I am blocked at work. As a consequence, I have not been around to say hello and install a general sense of community around the league. In my stead, our A++ treasurer has done solid and I thank him.

However, I know that nothing can replace that general sense of euphoria you feel when you realize i have decided to share my long winded and often mediocre thoughts with you. Smile my friends, today, is that day.

As you may have seen I have been active in trying to improve my team and this latest deal could prove to be the greatest trade since Houshyourfatmama joined the Cambells (I know, really not a very good nickname, look for a total name change shortly).

What else is going? Time to take a look and see...

Oh Pozo, here you go again. The only 3-0 team and number one in the power rankings. Is your team as good as it has looked in the first three weeks, I guess only time will tell if you are as forte as you have looked so far. (zing?)

Rory, following the draft we took the subway home together and I said to you, "I think you may have the best team." I was wrong. Your team is terrible. Good luck next year. (Hope Italia was incredible)

Meats, You guys have a good team...Will Mitchell draft his second championship team in 3 years? That's right folks, in case I haven't told you already, Mitch drafted Gellis' winner. Given Jelal's "honestly, I'm good my other league" rants for the past 3 years, having Mitch around is probably for the best.

Herstek, Fuck you, come back.

Heath, you're a great guy and I'm sorry we didn't get something done...that being said, you will lose this week. I can't tell you why because I don't want to affect league fairness, but here's a hint...James Brady.

Gellis, Matt Prader off waivers? Really? Still, you're 2-1 and very very hairy, so who am i to say otherwise?

Sticco, the other 0-3 team. Not sure why, you have a good team on paper. Perhaps it's because you've been so non-confrontational. I don't know, but i think i'm starting to miss it. Any mid-season rule changes you like? (no, were not changing any rules mid season).

Scott, good team, great treasurer...Steve Smith in round five and here i am trading my whole team away.

Evan, Houshyourfatmama now bitch? Just kidding. Obama Rules!

Ross, whoseyourmendenhall now bitch? Just kidding, that doesn't make any sense. What I meant to say was your team sucks, I mean Ike Hillard is like a million years old and Tony Gonzalez invented fire.

Finally, Spiewak. To be honest. I have nothing left. In fact, it was only after I double checked to make sure that everyone was mentioned that I realized i forgot to write about you. So, I will leave you with a little advice...don't move dirt bag!

Ahh, that felt good. time to go make dinner, i'm getting a headache from staring at the computer on an empty stomach.

Low Score, START WRITING RECAPS. It's a good rule and usually produces good results. This week Spiewak, I am looking at you.

Commish

Who Knew?

Really? I'm Still Alive?

After conducting a minute of research (I had trouble spelling his name) I have confirmed that Louie Anderson is still alive. Though judging by the photograph, just barely.

Man Alive!

My god, there are men alive in here!

Well Done

Well, I think it's fair to say that Lake Titicaca Week was a complete failure. Don't worry, we'll get 'em next time.

Will It Go 'Round in Circles

Pardon me, but have you checked carousel four?


I know, Lake Titicaca Week did not get off to a good start; let me just say that taking a week off from work makes for a hectic first day back. I look forward to sharing my insights with you the rest of this week.


Today's topic, baggage carousels: Perhaps not as sophomoric as you may have hoped, but what this blog lacks in childishness it makes up for in real insight.


It's really quite simple...Where do people go after they get off a flight so that their baggage goes around and around the baggage carousel. A trip to the bathroom, understandable; a stop at the souvenir shop, who wouldn't want to pay way too much money for crappy and cheesy items? Last off the plane, should have booked online. Don’t' want to stand around too long, you're so chill man...


However, none of these events take so much time that one cannot find his/her way to the baggage carousel in a reasonable amount of time. It's really quite frustrating to watch your stupid piece of luggage go around time and again while I am waiting there for mine.


That's it...not really all that funny, but conceptually, it's pretty good.

That's Hilarious

funnier than a fart?

I'll admit, there are times when good old fashioned sophmoric humor still appeals to me. Perhaps the best example of this is the fart, which is only made funnier when it smells. However, in thinking about nothing, I recently realized that something quite funny and quite sophmoric has gone insufficiently addressed for too many years now. You probably know it as being the highest commercially navigable lake in the world located on the border of Peru and Bolivia. I, my friends, know it as:

LAKE TITICACA

I just don't think that enough attention has been paid to this place. Think about it, if it was Lake Titi, that would be hilarious; if it was lake Caca, OMG! (Relax, I'm just kidding) But still Lake Caca is really funny. Together, the lake takes silliness to a whole new level.

However, it is my opinion that we have not exploited the hilariousness of this enough. As a kid, I simply do not remember laughing at Lake Titicaca. Maybe I wasn't hanging out with the right crowd, I don't know. It's not really important. What is important is that I have hours of laughing to catch up on.

Accordingly, I am announcing that the week of April 6 through April 12 will be Lake Titicaca week. (I will be away next week and do no want to miss the festivities) . Each weekday during Lake Titicaca week we here at jazzblahg (I have a rather large staff thank you very much) will address Lake Titicaca or otherwise discuss something that can only be classifiied as sophmoric. On Saturday we/I will be celebrating at a Peruvian Restaurant and drinking drinks native to Bolivia. If you would like to join, please leave a comment or contact me via email.

I look forward to seeing everyone (does anyone even read this stupid blog?)

Really, it's Pips?

There are few songs out there so universally appreciated and radio friendly as the Glady Knight classic, "Midnight Train to Georgia." For years, well before the creation of the Ipod, I would sing with joy whenever this masterpiece would grace the radio in my parents' car. You'd think that listenitng to 106.7 and 101.1 I would have heard it with relative frequency; but alas, such was not the case.

Jumping forward a few years, I now own an Ipod and of course, Midnight (that's my pet name for it) is on it. However, after an initial run, I can hardly remember hearing it...until recently!!

I was on my way across town aboard the sometimes fantastic and sometimes frustrating L train when Midnight came on...Oh joy, only five minutes to my final destination...what a wonderful way to arrive...Oh, but it was not to be. My joy was fleeting. In what can only be described as midly disapointing, the Ipod ran out of battery power

Now i will never know how far that superstar got. There are reports that he didn't get far and returned to Georgia on a midnight train, but without Galdys' confirmation, it appears I will have to wait another 6,359 songs to find out

Funny How?

There are many types of funny in this world. There's old man funny, who thinks the use of racial stereotypes is a real hootanany. There's mom funny, who generally thinks that forwards of any kind deliver endless humor. There's dad funny, there's dad funny, did i ever tell you the one about there being dad funny. Then, there are those who find Jay Leno funny. Not really sure how to classify these people, but I'll be sure not to use any big words. There's Dane Cook funny, well, there's Dane Cook. Then, there is stupid funny. This is a legitimate funny but is surely not for everyone. Leaders of this category include Will Ferell, Ben Stiller and old school Jim Carrey. There's dark funny led by the Royal Tennenbaums and of course, there is always real/actual funny; and many people who like the other categories also like real/actual funny. People who create real funny inlcude Chris Rock, Dave Chapelle and Jon Stewart.

While knowing what makes a person laugh might be an indicator of whether you will get along with a particular person, it is surely not determinative of that fact. However, there is one joke so dumb, so stupid, so outrageoulsy unoriginal that if you hear it, run for the hills (perhaps these are the sane people who like Jay Leno, I don't know since I've never met anyone who likes Jay Leno)...

The Joke :

Scene: line for a men's bathroom at a sporting event/concert/crowded bar/small restaurant

Joke: What is this, the ladies room?

Reaction:

That my friends, could possibly be the dumbest joke ever. Earth to dumbass, guys have to wait on lines in places where there are lots of guys. If you go to the garden to see Lynard Skynard, there's going to be a line, dumbass. Why have you not figured this out dumbass, and why do you have to share the dumbest comment ever with me. Do you think you're going to crack everyone up. Sure you may find that other guy who thinks you've just made an insightful comment, but he's a dumbass too. maybe that's why you make that dumbass comment, to help you locate other dumbassess so your life can be replete with dumbass friends.

I'll go with 24601

I'm famous dammit

Today, the umteenth time in the past few years I saw a subway ad that read, "Tyler Perry presents...[insert project here]" Let me be the first to say that I congratulate Mr. Peryy on all his success; surely if there is one man in the world who deserves this kind of success it's him. I have only one question though, who the fuck is Tyler Perry?

After two years of this crap on subway walls I still have no idea. Sure, I could go on imdb, but that would be way too easy. Instead, I will continue to assume that Aerosmith and Journey had a love child and named him Tyler Perry.

** according to google photo, the man depcited above is Tyler Perry.

It is Properly Referred to as Chromosonally Enhanced

"oh he's old and hurt, I didn't realize that. Give this man a

raise and sign him to a long term deal"

Unlike the saw of syllogism (gism = ha ha) the above quote is illogical. Nonetheless, the once beloved but now belittled New York Knicks have utilized the forestated theory in building their team. Examples include, but are surely not limited to: Stephon Marbuy, Malik Rose, Jalen Rose (remember him), Zack Randoplph, Eddie Curry. Of course, the architecht of this "dream team" is none other than team president and resident fool James "I was just petting the bunny" Dolan.

Last night I was at the Garden in my traditional and affordable seat behind the stage to see the outstanding Clapton/Winwood concert. Because of my seat location I had direct view of those in the front row. From my vanatage point I could see that James Dolan was not in the front row; obviously the wrong decision. Any music fan that actually owned the Garden should be in the front row, it's as simple as that.

Not seeing him in the front row brought two thoughts to my head. First, I noted that James Dolan has never made the correct decision. From Grunfeld through Thomas the man has consistently been wrong. In realizing that he has yet to make the right decision I believe I had an epihany...

George Bush is running the Knicks.

Think about it. It is incomprehendable that two men, born of separate parents, could both always be wrong. (I believe it goes without saying [though i am saying it nonetheless] that Georgey Boy has not yet made the correct decision). Therefore, since we know George Bush is the "decider" it must be that he is running the Knicks and James Dolan is simply the face behind the success. Who knows how president num nuts got control of the Knicks, maybe it was a shady cable contract, but he did. Accordingly let us turn our anger with the Knicks upon the man who deserves it, George W. Bush.

I am hopeful that president dumb ass will be forced to relinquish control in Janaury 2009, at which time we will get our franchise back. Unitl then, we'll just have to deal with the extra chromosone.

Back...on Black

all things considered, this is a pretty good photo

First off, let me apologize to my fan(s) for being away for such a long period of time. I wish I could say it's because I was thinking of great ideas that will now serve to amuse you for 30 seconds each day. Sadly, that is not true. Indeed, I am using up all of my good ideas in this blog.

As many you of already know, I am white. Nontheless, I feel comfortable writing this blog because I am voting for Barak Hussein Obama and I am still upset about how we have treated the people and the rebuilding of New Orleans (my homeboys often call me the unknown and unsuccessful Bill Clinton).

First, the photo: Clearly, that is a photo Ferris singing Twist and Shout. As you will recall, Ferris got all of Chicago up and dancing (no, i am not going to address the awsome line dancing on the steps) with his lip sync of the Beatles classic. During that scene there is a shot of a mother with a baby in a carriage. The baby is black (we are nearing my point). The movie was made in or about 1986 , making that baby about 23-25 years old today, a "playas" prime, if you will...(we have reached my point) If I was a black dude that looked anywhere between 23-25 and/or was actually between 23-25 I would tell all the ladies that the black kid in the carriage was me (do black people know Ferris the way white people do? We'll just have to assume so). That's it, you can see where it goes from here...

Also, as long as we are on the state of race relations in our great nation...you know where white people and black people really get along well...in commercials, especially car commercials. I do not believe there has been a car commercial made in the past 10 years in which there were two passengers (not married) and one of them wasn't black. Of course, white people and black people are friends, surely our world would be sad place if they were not, but the ratio is crazy high in car commericals. The only other place I have seen such intermingiling between the races is at sporting events, and that is fleeting.

I hope you have enjoyed the return of jazzblahg...may it not be another five moths