
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Cash Cow

Monday, October 27, 2008
Simply Amazing

I went to google images and simply typed in "greatest photograph ever". What an amazing product that google is.
However, and notwithstanding the infinite possibilities the above photograph provides, the reason for the search and the reason for a blog today is this...
jazzblahg is pleaded to direct you to the New York Times (make sure to check out the slide show)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Checkin In
Still DeliciousTo those of you who have seen this before and were excited that I had a new post, I am sorry. I have decided to post on this blog anything that I think is clever and allows me to cut and paste. I hope to bring completely original content to this bog every once in a while...well, once in a while seems like an awful lot, let's just say I hope...
Good day folks. I know it's been a slow season for your commissioner. However, as you may have heard, I am blocked at work. As a consequence, I have not been around to say hello and install a general sense of community around the league. In my stead, our A++ treasurer has done solid and I thank him.
However, I know that nothing can replace that general sense of euphoria you feel when you realize i have decided to share my long winded and often mediocre thoughts with you. Smile my friends, today, is that day.
As you may have seen I have been active in trying to improve my team and this latest deal could prove to be the greatest trade since Houshyourfatmama joined the Cambells (I know, really not a very good nickname, look for a total name change shortly).
What else is going? Time to take a look and see...
Oh Pozo, here you go again. The only 3-0 team and number one in the power rankings. Is your team as good as it has looked in the first three weeks, I guess only time will tell if you are as forte as you have looked so far. (zing?)
Rory, following the draft we took the subway home together and I said to you, "I think you may have the best team." I was wrong. Your team is terrible. Good luck next year. (Hope Italia was incredible)
Meats, You guys have a good team...Will Mitchell draft his second championship team in 3 years? That's right folks, in case I haven't told you already, Mitch drafted Gellis' winner. Given Jelal's "honestly, I'm good my other league" rants for the past 3 years, having Mitch around is probably for the best.
Herstek, Fuck you, come back.
Heath, you're a great guy and I'm sorry we didn't get something done...that being said, you will lose this week. I can't tell you why because I don't want to affect league fairness, but here's a hint...James Brady.
Gellis, Matt Prader off waivers? Really? Still, you're 2-1 and very very hairy, so who am i to say otherwise?
Sticco, the other 0-3 team. Not sure why, you have a good team on paper. Perhaps it's because you've been so non-confrontational. I don't know, but i think i'm starting to miss it. Any mid-season rule changes you like? (no, were not changing any rules mid season).
Scott, good team, great treasurer...Steve Smith in round five and here i am trading my whole team away.
Evan, Houshyourfatmama now bitch? Just kidding. Obama Rules!
Ross, whoseyourmendenhall now bitch? Just kidding, that doesn't make any sense. What I meant to say was your team sucks, I mean Ike Hillard is like a million years old and Tony Gonzalez invented fire.
Finally, Spiewak. To be honest. I have nothing left. In fact, it was only after I double checked to make sure that everyone was mentioned that I realized i forgot to write about you. So, I will leave you with a little advice...don't move dirt bag!
Ahh, that felt good. time to go make dinner, i'm getting a headache from staring at the computer on an empty stomach.
Low Score, START WRITING RECAPS. It's a good rule and usually produces good results. This week Spiewak, I am looking at you.
Commish
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Who Knew?
After conducting a minute of research (I had trouble spelling his name) I have confirmed that Louie Anderson is still alive. Though judging by the photograph, just barely.
Man Alive!
My god, there are men alive in here!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Well Done
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Will It Go 'Round in Circles
Pardon me, but have you checked carousel four?I know, Lake Titicaca Week did not get off to a good start; let me just say that taking a week off from work makes for a hectic first day back. I look forward to sharing my insights with you the rest of this week.
Today's topic, baggage carousels: Perhaps not as sophomoric as you may have hoped, but what this blog lacks in childishness it makes up for in real insight.
It's really quite simple...Where do people go after they get off a flight so that their baggage goes around and around the baggage carousel. A trip to the bathroom, understandable; a stop at the souvenir shop, who wouldn't want to pay way too much money for crappy and cheesy items? Last off the plane, should have booked online. Don’t' want to stand around too long, you're so chill man...
However, none of these events take so much time that one cannot find his/her way to the baggage carousel in a reasonable amount of time. It's really quite frustrating to watch your stupid piece of luggage go around time and again while I am waiting there for mine.
That's it...not really all that funny, but conceptually, it's pretty good.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
That's Hilarious
I'll admit, there are times when good old fashioned sophmoric humor still appeals to me. Perhaps the best example of this is the fart, which is only made funnier when it smells. However, in thinking about nothing, I recently realized that something quite funny and quite sophmoric has gone insufficiently addressed for too many years now. You probably know it as being the highest commercially navigable lake in the world located on the border of Peru and Bolivia. I, my friends, know it as:
LAKE TITICACA
I just don't think that enough attention has been paid to this place. Think about it, if it was Lake Titi, that would be hilarious; if it was lake Caca, OMG! (Relax, I'm just kidding) But still Lake Caca is really funny. Together, the lake takes silliness to a whole new level.
However, it is my opinion that we have not exploited the hilariousness of this enough. As a kid, I simply do not remember laughing at Lake Titicaca. Maybe I wasn't hanging out with the right crowd, I don't know. It's not really important. What is important is that I have hours of laughing to catch up on.
Accordingly, I am announcing that the week of April 6 through April 12 will be Lake Titicaca week. (I will be away next week and do no want to miss the festivities) . Each weekday during Lake Titicaca week we here at jazzblahg (I have a rather large staff thank you very much) will address Lake Titicaca or otherwise discuss something that can only be classifiied as sophmoric. On Saturday we/I will be celebrating at a Peruvian Restaurant and drinking drinks native to Bolivia. If you would like to join, please leave a comment or contact me via email.
I look forward to seeing everyone (does anyone even read this stupid blog?)
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Really, it's Pips?

Monday, March 3, 2008
Funny How?

There are many types of funny in this world. There's old man funny, who thinks the use of racial stereotypes is a real hootanany. There's mom funny, who generally thinks that forwards of any kind deliver endless humor. There's dad funny, there's dad funny, did i ever tell you the one about there being dad funny. Then, there are those who find Jay Leno funny. Not really sure how to classify these people, but I'll be sure not to use any big words. There's Dane Cook funny, well, there's Dane Cook. Then, there is stupid funny. This is a legitimate funny but is surely not for everyone. Leaders of this category include Will Ferell, Ben Stiller and old school Jim Carrey. There's dark funny led by the Royal Tennenbaums and of course, there is always real/actual funny; and many people who like the other categories also like real/actual funny. People who create real funny inlcude Chris Rock, Dave Chapelle and Jon Stewart.
While knowing what makes a person laugh might be an indicator of whether you will get along with a particular person, it is surely not determinative of that fact. However, there is one joke so dumb, so stupid, so outrageoulsy unoriginal that if you hear it, run for the hills (perhaps these are the sane people who like Jay Leno, I don't know since I've never met anyone who likes Jay Leno)...
The Joke :
Scene: line for a men's bathroom at a sporting event/concert/crowded bar/small restaurant
Joke: What is this, the ladies room?
Reaction:
That my friends, could possibly be the dumbest joke ever. Earth to dumbass, guys have to wait on lines in places where there are lots of guys. If you go to the garden to see Lynard Skynard, there's going to be a line, dumbass. Why have you not figured this out dumbass, and why do you have to share the dumbest comment ever with me. Do you think you're going to crack everyone up. Sure you may find that other guy who thinks you've just made an insightful comment, but he's a dumbass too. maybe that's why you make that dumbass comment, to help you locate other dumbassess so your life can be replete with dumbass friends.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I'll go with 24601
Today, the umteenth time in the past few years I saw a subway ad that read, "Tyler Perry presents...[insert project here]" Let me be the first to say that I congratulate Mr. Peryy on all his success; surely if there is one man in the world who deserves this kind of success it's him. I have only one question though, who the fuck is Tyler Perry?
After two years of this crap on subway walls I still have no idea. Sure, I could go on imdb, but that would be way too easy. Instead, I will continue to assume that Aerosmith and Journey had a love child and named him Tyler Perry.
** according to google photo, the man depcited above is Tyler Perry.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
It is Properly Referred to as Chromosonally Enhanced
Unlike the saw of syllogism (gism = ha ha) the above quote is illogical. Nonetheless, the once beloved but now belittled New York Knicks have utilized the forestated theory in building their team. Examples include, but are surely not limited to: Stephon Marbuy, Malik Rose, Jalen Rose (remember him), Zack Randoplph, Eddie Curry. Of course, the architecht of this "dream team" is none other than team president and resident fool James "I was just petting the bunny" Dolan.
Last night I was at the Garden in my traditional and affordable seat behind the stage to see the outstanding Clapton/Winwood concert. Because of my seat location I had direct view of those in the front row. From my vanatage point I could see that James Dolan was not in the front row; obviously the wrong decision. Any music fan that actually owned the Garden should be in the front row, it's as simple as that.
Not seeing him in the front row brought two thoughts to my head. First, I noted that James Dolan has never made the correct decision. From Grunfeld through Thomas the man has consistently been wrong. In realizing that he has yet to make the right decision I believe I had an epihany...
George Bush is running the Knicks.
Think about it. It is incomprehendable that two men, born of separate parents, could both always be wrong. (I believe it goes without saying [though i am saying it nonetheless] that Georgey Boy has not yet made the correct decision). Therefore, since we know George Bush is the "decider" it must be that he is running the Knicks and James Dolan is simply the face behind the success. Who knows how president num nuts got control of the Knicks, maybe it was a shady cable contract, but he did. Accordingly let us turn our anger with the Knicks upon the man who deserves it, George W. Bush.
I am hopeful that president dumb ass will be forced to relinquish control in Janaury 2009, at which time we will get our franchise back. Unitl then, we'll just have to deal with the extra chromosone.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Back...on Black

Friday, October 19, 2007
Actually, Hardly Workin
As some of you know, as some of you don’t and as some of you
One of the reasons I have taken a new job is that the place
at which I am currently employed is a sinking ship. This
means that I have VERY little to do at work. Indeed, at the
present time I have absolutely nothing to do. It’s not even
like I am writing this while work sits idle. No, there is
no work. Ergo (for you Rory), I have taken the time to write
this rather long winded and pointless essay.
Why? You ask, should I care about your current predicament.
I suppose you really shouldn’t. Then again, that’s not very
nice, you should care about me. I am not saying you must
worry over my every move, surely that would be too much, but
what is it to you if you just cared a little bit.
I digress; I’ve gotten off track from my initial reason for
writing this posting... Today, I received a memorandum
(notice, because I have so much time, I decided to write out
the entire word memorandum rather than the more colloquial
and universally accepted “memo”) from the human resources
manager (that is, the HR dep't) indicating that because there has been excessive use
of non-work related internet sites, use of the internet will
be restricted. This likely means that I will not be able to
check my fantasy sites 100 times per day.
I can’t help but think that my office, who is very mad at
me, is doing this to spite me. While it is true that I spend
70%-80% of my day on the internet, it is also true that I,
as you may already heard, have nothing to do. In any event,
there are now six lawyers in the office. I know for sure
that at least 3 of them will not be subject to this
restriction. This leaves me, the lawyer next to my office
who seems busy, but I am pretty sure that’s because she just
started and doesn’t get it yet, another lawyer who probably
doesn’t care much and Jon, the paralegal, who, as far as I
can tell, spends about as much time on the internet as I do.
Funny story about John, the other day I saw him opening up
an email with some photos of some pretty hot dudes in tighty
whities. I don’t know if he knows I know, everything
happened pretty quick. Of course I would never out him to
anyone, he’s a really nice guy and quite capable. Plus
really, it’s none of my business. I just think it’s funny.
Also, I don’t see him getting much cock, he’s really fat…and
not the kind of fat where you can joke and say look how fat
he is…rather, the kind of fat where it’s uncomfortable to
talk about weight, or joke about weight, etc. in front of
the guy. He definitely weighs over 300 pounds and is no
taller than 5’8.
What else? What else? Oh yeah…nah, I’m just kidding.
Really, I’m surprised you’ve read this long, though I did
warn you (Caveat emptor means buyer beware)*
*-previously published elsewhere and titled Caveat Emptor
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
You Look Marvelous

There has been substantial media coverage this week of an event so irrelevant, so boring, so fantastically useless that I cannot imagine a better topic to signify the return of jazzblahg. No, I am not talking about Britney's attempted return (though she is something I can very little about), I am talking about fashion week.
For what seems like more than a week my free papers (thanks) have been swallowed by large sections of fashion. From this, I have deduced that everyone loves Anna Sui and everyone else makes clothes (I don't know anyone else's name because they are not answers in my crossword puzzles). If, I am going to have to look at pages of clothes I'd appreciate at least a few lingerie shots.
Sorry it's been so long my friends, I am blocked at work.
Friday, August 24, 2007
On Garbage, Touche
Due to an incredibly painful back injury, jazzbalhg is not in the mood to funny this week. Ergo...
As previously documented in jazzblahg Penn State has a great fencing program. In what can only be described as blatant copyright infringement, the article below, recently published in the NYT, further expands...You may be surprised.
One Sunday morning every fall, members of the Penn State fencing team spend hours scraping nacho cheese, chewing tobacco, peanut shells and cigarette butts off the floor of the university’s 107,000-seat football stadium.
Cleaning after a home game is an annual fund-raising ritual for the team, a coed varsity program that is one of the most successful in national competition. Unfortunately for Division I athletes in sports like fencing, winning championships does not guarantee financial stability.
The cash cow of college athletics returns next week, when multimillion-dollar television programming begins with college football and continues through the end of the N.C.A.A. men’s college basketball tournament in April. But for many athletes who compete in sports that do not produce revenue — the sports other than football and basketball — the arrival of the college football season means the return to working for the programs they see on television in order to support their own teams.
At N.C.A.A. Division I universities, football and basketball generate most of the revenue that comes from teams, and even some of those programs cannot make ends meet. For other sports, universities often leave it up to players and coaches to find other sources of funding.
For Butler softball players, that has meant working the gates at football games and cleaning the basketball arena. At Utah, that has led to having swimmers serve as hospitality workers in the suites at football games. And in the case of Penn State’s fencing program, that has involved cleaning the trash left behind by the crowds that attend home football games at Beaver Stadium.
“It’s one of the grossest things I’ll ever have to do — hopefully — in my life,” said the Penn State senior Megan Luteran, a captain of the fencing team, which last season won its 10th national title in 18 years.
Joe Paterno, Penn State’s football coach, only underscored the uncomfortable nature of the fencers’ job when he said his team would help clean Beaver Stadium on Sundays this season without compensation. The decision was a punishment for several football players’ suspected connection to an off-campus fight.
Some coaches and administrators insist that it is unreasonable to ask Division I athletes to participate in small moneymaking projects, especially those that involve working for more profitable programs.
Billy Martin, the coach of U.C.L.A.’s men’s tennis team, a perennial national championship contender, acknowledged that his program could not make any money for the athletic department, but he called some of the small projects “high schoolish.”
Bob Reasso, the men’s soccer coach at Rutgers, said: “You’re not going to ask a major Division I football or basketball athlete to do a car wash. We have the same caliber athletes.”
At Butler, a university that recently cut its men’s lacrosse and men’s swimming programs, the softball coach Jeanne Rayman raises about 15 percent of her program’s annual budget through fund-raisers. Her team has sold cookie sheets and held a beanbag-tossing tournament.
“I’m always looking to find something unique, where people don’t just say, Oh, this is just another fund-raiser,” said Rayman, who says she discloses her team’s efforts when recruiting players.
Butler softball teams have also worked the gates at football games, sold concessions at men’s basketball games, cleaned the basketball arena and helped direct cars at Indiana Pacers and Indianapolis Colts games.
“The reality of where we are today is that we need to find a way to supplement budgets,” said Barry Collier, Butler’s athletic director. “This is part of it.”
Andrew Brown, a senior on the men’s swimming team at Utah, said that male and female swimmers at his university have had to stock suite refrigerators before football games, then hand out marketing materials at the stadium gates and make sure guests in the suites and the press box have enough food and drinks.
“I’m just happy we still have a swimming team, because a lot of Division I teams are being cut,” said Brown, who has an athletic scholarship that pays for his tuition and books.
Other programs choose to avoid small-scale, time-consuming fund-raising work in favor of relying entirely on other sources of funding, like donations. Doug Smith, the associate athletic director for development at Baylor, said he did not believe in “project-oriented programs,” which he said involve too much work and time and produce an inadequate financial return. Penn State’s fencing team sells university merchandise at football games, and the money they gather from stadium cleaning — several thousand dollars a year — enables them to take an overseas trip once every four years.
Jimmy Moody, a junior on the fencing team, said he found the stadium cleaning experience humbling and understood that Penn State’s football team brought in money that benefited his team. But he was also interested in finding out how the football players would react to the dirty work.
“I’m glad for once that they’ll have to do it,” Moody said. “They’ll get a taste of it. They get to see what we do every year.”
N.C.A.A. bylaws limit the number of hours student-athletes can spend on “athletically related activities.” But those activities do not include fund-raising, said Stacey Osburn, a spokeswoman for the N.C.A.A. Osburn said most rules about fund-raising were left up to individual universities.
At Butler, Rayman said, the continual projects can seem like a burden for some of her players.
“They have so much going on in their college lives, trying to be the best athletes they can be and trying to have somewhat of a social life,” Rayman said. “It just becomes a daily grind. It’s more of a drain on them than a morale booster.”
For many student-athletes, including Brown, the Utah swimmer, the choice between working for high-profile teams and abandoning the sports they love is easy to make.
“It’s unfair that we have to put in extra work because our sport might not be as much fun to watch,” Brown said. “But it is fair that the school is giving us a chance to work to keep the program around.”
Emmanuil Kaidanov, Penn State’s fencing coach, said he thought cleaning the stadium, however unpleasant it might be, was a good team-building effort. He emphasized his 10 national titles and asked how anybody could question him.
“We bond through our misery,” Moody said.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Freudian Sleep
Friday, August 10, 2007
I Bought my Puma's in Williamsburg

not quite a true hipster...yet
As you may recall from a previous post we here at jazzblahg are always trying to expand the American lexicon. Indeed, in the most recent publication of the OED one will find the word "ellios" defined as a verb meaning "to burn the top of one's mouth" That definition was of course created here at jazzblahg. Well, my friends, on this soggy Friday we are introducing a new definition for hipster. from hence forth hipster will mean..."An artist with a full-time job"
That's it...have a great weekend.









