Thursday, December 11, 2008

Cash Cow


no my friends, that's not a manatee, it's a Yankee
Where to start....hmmm, it's one thing to outbid another team by 21 million dollars, but to outbid yourself by 21 million dollars, That just doesn't seem to make economic sense. This of course does not address that the Yankees already had the highest bid by 40 million. It's official, the new Steinbrenner is way crazier than the old one.
I know what you're thinking...why are you posting what all Yankee fans were already thinking. Well, mainly because of the great headline i came up with. In addition however, what's the deal with the extra one million. Was 160 million not enough? Were CC and his agent sitting in a room laughing with each other saying lets see if they'll cave for the extra million. "We agree you offer of 160 million is fair and far exceeds anything CC will see from someone else" says the agent, "but I've told you, either CC gets 161 million or we're signing with someone else." "Mr. Steinbrenner" says Cashman, "they wont take less than 161 million. " "Well then offer them 180 million, that should do. Oh, and throw in a year's worth of Godiva chocolates, that should keep him happy when he's not eating something else. "
Ahh, the New York Yankees...good luck on that AJ Burnett deal. Hopefully you can snag him off the market for only 20 million more than anyone else is willing to give the injury prone fireballer.
K-Rod: 36 Million
Putz: 5.5 Million in a trade
CC Sabathia: Priceless...oh wait, i mean 161 million.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Simply Amazing


I went to google images and simply typed in "greatest photograph ever". What an amazing product that google is.

However, and notwithstanding the infinite possibilities the above photograph provides, the reason for the search and the reason for a blog today is this...

jazzblahg is pleaded to direct you to the New York Times
(make sure to check out the slide show)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Checkin In

Still Delicious

To those of you who have seen this before and were excited that I had a new post, I am sorry. I have decided to post on this blog anything that I think is clever and allows me to cut and paste. I hope to bring completely original content to this bog every once in a while...well, once in a while seems like an awful lot, let's just say I hope...

Good day folks. I know it's been a slow season for your commissioner. However, as you may have heard, I am blocked at work. As a consequence, I have not been around to say hello and install a general sense of community around the league. In my stead, our A++ treasurer has done solid and I thank him.

However, I know that nothing can replace that general sense of euphoria you feel when you realize i have decided to share my long winded and often mediocre thoughts with you. Smile my friends, today, is that day.

As you may have seen I have been active in trying to improve my team and this latest deal could prove to be the greatest trade since Houshyourfatmama joined the Cambells (I know, really not a very good nickname, look for a total name change shortly).

What else is going? Time to take a look and see...

Oh Pozo, here you go again. The only 3-0 team and number one in the power rankings. Is your team as good as it has looked in the first three weeks, I guess only time will tell if you are as forte as you have looked so far. (zing?)

Rory, following the draft we took the subway home together and I said to you, "I think you may have the best team." I was wrong. Your team is terrible. Good luck next year. (Hope Italia was incredible)

Meats, You guys have a good team...Will Mitchell draft his second championship team in 3 years? That's right folks, in case I haven't told you already, Mitch drafted Gellis' winner. Given Jelal's "honestly, I'm good my other league" rants for the past 3 years, having Mitch around is probably for the best.

Herstek, Fuck you, come back.

Heath, you're a great guy and I'm sorry we didn't get something done...that being said, you will lose this week. I can't tell you why because I don't want to affect league fairness, but here's a hint...James Brady.

Gellis, Matt Prader off waivers? Really? Still, you're 2-1 and very very hairy, so who am i to say otherwise?

Sticco, the other 0-3 team. Not sure why, you have a good team on paper. Perhaps it's because you've been so non-confrontational. I don't know, but i think i'm starting to miss it. Any mid-season rule changes you like? (no, were not changing any rules mid season).

Scott, good team, great treasurer...Steve Smith in round five and here i am trading my whole team away.

Evan, Houshyourfatmama now bitch? Just kidding. Obama Rules!

Ross, whoseyourmendenhall now bitch? Just kidding, that doesn't make any sense. What I meant to say was your team sucks, I mean Ike Hillard is like a million years old and Tony Gonzalez invented fire.

Finally, Spiewak. To be honest. I have nothing left. In fact, it was only after I double checked to make sure that everyone was mentioned that I realized i forgot to write about you. So, I will leave you with a little advice...don't move dirt bag!

Ahh, that felt good. time to go make dinner, i'm getting a headache from staring at the computer on an empty stomach.

Low Score, START WRITING RECAPS. It's a good rule and usually produces good results. This week Spiewak, I am looking at you.

Commish

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Who Knew?


Really? I'm Still Alive?

After conducting a minute of research (I had trouble spelling his name) I have confirmed that Louie Anderson is still alive. Though judging by the photograph, just barely.

Man Alive!

My god, there are men alive in here!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Well Done


Well, I think it's fair to say that Lake Titicaca Week was a complete failure. Don't worry, we'll get 'em next time.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Will It Go 'Round in Circles

Pardon me, but have you checked carousel four?


I know, Lake Titicaca Week did not get off to a good start; let me just say that taking a week off from work makes for a hectic first day back. I look forward to sharing my insights with you the rest of this week.


Today's topic, baggage carousels: Perhaps not as sophomoric as you may have hoped, but what this blog lacks in childishness it makes up for in real insight.


It's really quite simple...Where do people go after they get off a flight so that their baggage goes around and around the baggage carousel. A trip to the bathroom, understandable; a stop at the souvenir shop, who wouldn't want to pay way too much money for crappy and cheesy items? Last off the plane, should have booked online. Don’t' want to stand around too long, you're so chill man...


However, none of these events take so much time that one cannot find his/her way to the baggage carousel in a reasonable amount of time. It's really quite frustrating to watch your stupid piece of luggage go around time and again while I am waiting there for mine.


That's it...not really all that funny, but conceptually, it's pretty good.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

That's Hilarious

funnier than a fart?

I'll admit, there are times when good old fashioned sophmoric humor still appeals to me. Perhaps the best example of this is the fart, which is only made funnier when it smells. However, in thinking about nothing, I recently realized that something quite funny and quite sophmoric has gone insufficiently addressed for too many years now. You probably know it as being the highest commercially navigable lake in the world located on the border of Peru and Bolivia. I, my friends, know it as:

LAKE TITICACA

I just don't think that enough attention has been paid to this place. Think about it, if it was Lake Titi, that would be hilarious; if it was lake Caca, OMG! (Relax, I'm just kidding) But still Lake Caca is really funny. Together, the lake takes silliness to a whole new level.

However, it is my opinion that we have not exploited the hilariousness of this enough. As a kid, I simply do not remember laughing at Lake Titicaca. Maybe I wasn't hanging out with the right crowd, I don't know. It's not really important. What is important is that I have hours of laughing to catch up on.

Accordingly, I am announcing that the week of April 6 through April 12 will be Lake Titicaca week. (I will be away next week and do no want to miss the festivities) . Each weekday during Lake Titicaca week we here at jazzblahg (I have a rather large staff thank you very much) will address Lake Titicaca or otherwise discuss something that can only be classifiied as sophmoric. On Saturday we/I will be celebrating at a Peruvian Restaurant and drinking drinks native to Bolivia. If you would like to join, please leave a comment or contact me via email.

I look forward to seeing everyone (does anyone even read this stupid blog?)


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Really, it's Pips?


There are few songs out there so universally appreciated and radio friendly as the Glady Knight classic, "Midnight Train to Georgia." For years, well before the creation of the Ipod, I would sing with joy whenever this masterpiece would grace the radio in my parents' car. You'd think that listenitng to 106.7 and 101.1 I would have heard it with relative frequency; but alas, such was not the case.
Jumping forward a few years, I now own an Ipod and of course, Midnight (that's my pet name for it) is on it. However, after an initial run, I can hardly remember hearing it...until recently!!
I was on my way across town aboard the sometimes fantastic and sometimes frustrating L train when Midnight came on...Oh joy, only five minutes to my final destination...what a wonderful way to arrive...Oh, but it was not to be. My joy was fleeting. In what can only be described as midly disapointing, the Ipod ran out of battery power
Now i will never know how far that superstar got. There are reports that he didn't get far and returned to Georgia on a midnight train, but without Galdys' confirmation, it appears I will have to wait another 6,359 songs to find out

Monday, March 3, 2008

Funny How?


There are many types of funny in this world. There's old man funny, who thinks the use of racial stereotypes is a real hootanany. There's mom funny, who generally thinks that forwards of any kind deliver endless humor. There's dad funny, there's dad funny, did i ever tell you the one about there being dad funny. Then, there are those who find Jay Leno funny. Not really sure how to classify these people, but I'll be sure not to use any big words. There's Dane Cook funny, well, there's Dane Cook. Then, there is stupid funny. This is a legitimate funny but is surely not for everyone. Leaders of this category include Will Ferell, Ben Stiller and old school Jim Carrey. There's dark funny led by the Royal Tennenbaums and of course, there is always real/actual funny; and many people who like the other categories also like real/actual funny. People who create real funny inlcude Chris Rock, Dave Chapelle and Jon Stewart.

While knowing what makes a person laugh might be an indicator of whether you will get along with a particular person, it is surely not determinative of that fact. However, there is one joke so dumb, so stupid, so outrageoulsy unoriginal that if you hear it, run for the hills (perhaps these are the sane people who like Jay Leno, I don't know since I've never met anyone who likes Jay Leno)...

The Joke :

Scene: line for a men's bathroom at a sporting event/concert/crowded bar/small restaurant

Joke: What is this, the ladies room?

Reaction:

That my friends, could possibly be the dumbest joke ever. Earth to dumbass, guys have to wait on lines in places where there are lots of guys. If you go to the garden to see Lynard Skynard, there's going to be a line, dumbass. Why have you not figured this out dumbass, and why do you have to share the dumbest comment ever with me. Do you think you're going to crack everyone up. Sure you may find that other guy who thinks you've just made an insightful comment, but he's a dumbass too. maybe that's why you make that dumbass comment, to help you locate other dumbassess so your life can be replete with dumbass friends.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

I'll go with 24601

I'm famous dammit

Today, the umteenth time in the past few years I saw a subway ad that read, "Tyler Perry presents...[insert project here]" Let me be the first to say that I congratulate Mr. Peryy on all his success; surely if there is one man in the world who deserves this kind of success it's him. I have only one question though, who the fuck is Tyler Perry?

After two years of this crap on subway walls I still have no idea. Sure, I could go on imdb, but that would be way too easy. Instead, I will continue to assume that Aerosmith and Journey had a love child and named him Tyler Perry.

** according to google photo, the man depcited above is Tyler Perry.


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

It is Properly Referred to as Chromosonally Enhanced

"oh he's old and hurt, I didn't realize that. Give this man a
raise and sign him to a long term deal"

Unlike the saw of syllogism (gism = ha ha) the above quote is illogical. Nonetheless, the once beloved but now belittled New York Knicks have utilized the forestated theory in building their team. Examples include, but are surely not limited to: Stephon Marbuy, Malik Rose, Jalen Rose (remember him), Zack Randoplph, Eddie Curry. Of course, the architecht of this "dream team" is none other than team president and resident fool James "I was just petting the bunny" Dolan.

Last night I was at the Garden in my traditional and affordable seat behind the stage to see the outstanding Clapton/Winwood concert. Because of my seat location I had direct view of those in the front row. From my vanatage point I could see that James Dolan was not in the front row; obviously the wrong decision. Any music fan that actually owned the Garden should be in the front row, it's as simple as that.

Not seeing him in the front row brought two thoughts to my head. First, I noted that James Dolan has never made the correct decision. From Grunfeld through Thomas the man has consistently been wrong. In realizing that he has yet to make the right decision I believe I had an epihany...

George Bush is running the Knicks.

Think about it. It is incomprehendable that two men, born of separate parents, could both always be wrong. (I believe it goes without saying [though i am saying it nonetheless] that Georgey Boy has not yet made the correct decision). Therefore, since we know George Bush is the "decider" it must be that he is running the Knicks and James Dolan is simply the face behind the success. Who knows how president num nuts got control of the Knicks, maybe it was a shady cable contract, but he did. Accordingly let us turn our anger with the Knicks upon the man who deserves it, George W. Bush.

I am hopeful that president dumb ass will be forced to relinquish control in Janaury 2009, at which time we will get our franchise back. Unitl then, we'll just have to deal with the extra chromosone.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Back...on Black


all things considered, this is a pretty good photo
First off, let me apologize to my fan(s) for being away for such a long period of time. I wish I could say it's because I was thinking of great ideas that will now serve to amuse you for 30 seconds each day. Sadly, that is not true. Indeed, I am using up all of my good ideas in this blog.
As many you of already know, I am white. Nontheless, I feel comfortable writing this blog because I am voting for Barak Hussein Obama and I am still upset about how we have treated the people and the rebuilding of New Orleans (my homeboys often call me the unknown and unsuccessful Bill Clinton).
First, the photo: Clearly, that is a photo Ferris singing Twist and Shout. As you will recall, Ferris got all of Chicago up and dancing (no, i am not going to address the awsome line dancing on the steps) with his lip sync of the Beatles classic. During that scene there is a shot of a mother with a baby in a carriage. The baby is black (we are nearing my point). The movie was made in or about 1986 , making that baby about 23-25 years old today, a "playas" prime, if you will...(we have reached my point) If I was a black dude that looked anywhere between 23-25 and/or was actually between 23-25 I would tell all the ladies that the black kid in the carriage was me (do black people know Ferris the way white people do? We'll just have to assume so). That's it, you can see where it goes from here...
Also, as long as we are on the state of race relations in our great nation...you know where white people and black people really get along well...in commercials, especially car commercials. I do not believe there has been a car commercial made in the past 10 years in which there were two passengers (not married) and one of them wasn't black. Of course, white people and black people are friends, surely our world would be sad place if they were not, but the ratio is crazy high in car commericals. The only other place I have seen such intermingiling between the races is at sporting events, and that is fleeting.
I hope you have enjoyed the return of jazzblahg...may it not be another five moths

Friday, October 19, 2007

Actually, Hardly Workin


actual photo taken 10/19/07


As some of you know, as some of you don’t and as some of you
don’t care, I have taken a new job…thank you, your warm
wishes of good luck are much appreciated.

One of the reasons I have taken a new job is that the place
at which I am currently employed is a sinking ship. This
means that I have VERY little to do at work. Indeed, at the
present time I have absolutely nothing to do. It’s not even
like I am writing this while work sits idle. No, there is
no work. Ergo (for you Rory), I have taken the time to write
this rather long winded and pointless essay.

Why? You ask, should I care about your current predicament.
I suppose you really shouldn’t. Then again, that’s not very
nice, you should care about me. I am not saying you must
worry over my every move, surely that would be too much, but
what is it to you if you just cared a little bit.

I digress; I’ve gotten off track from my initial reason for
writing this posting... Today, I received a memorandum
(notice, because I have so much time, I decided to write out
the entire word memorandum rather than the more colloquial
and universally accepted “memo”) from the human resources
manager (that is, the HR dep't) indicating that because there has been excessive use
of non-work related internet sites, use of the internet will
be restricted. This likely means that I will not be able to
check my fantasy sites 100 times per day.

I can’t help but think that my office, who is very mad at
me, is doing this to spite me. While it is true that I spend
70%-80% of my day on the internet, it is also true that I,
as you may already heard, have nothing to do. In any event,
there are now six lawyers in the office. I know for sure
that at least 3 of them will not be subject to this
restriction. This leaves me, the lawyer next to my office
who seems busy, but I am pretty sure that’s because she just
started and doesn’t get it yet, another lawyer who probably
doesn’t care much and Jon, the paralegal, who, as far as I
can tell, spends about as much time on the internet as I do.


Funny story about John, the other day I saw him opening up
an email with some photos of some pretty hot dudes in tighty
whities. I don’t know if he knows I know, everything
happened pretty quick. Of course I would never out him to
anyone, he’s a really nice guy and quite capable. Plus
really, it’s none of my business. I just think it’s funny.
Also, I don’t see him getting much cock, he’s really fat…and
not the kind of fat where you can joke and say look how fat
he is…rather, the kind of fat where it’s uncomfortable to
talk about weight, or joke about weight, etc. in front of
the guy. He definitely weighs over 300 pounds and is no
taller than 5’8.

What else? What else? Oh yeah…nah, I’m just kidding.
Really, I’m surprised you’ve read this long, though I did
warn you (Caveat emptor means buyer beware)*

*-previously published elsewhere and titled Caveat Emptor

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

You Look Marvelous


There has been substantial media coverage this week of an event so irrelevant, so boring, so fantastically useless that I cannot imagine a better topic to signify the return of jazzblahg. No, I am not talking about Britney's attempted return (though she is something I can very little about), I am talking about fashion week.

For what seems like more than a week my free papers (thanks) have been swallowed by large sections of fashion. From this, I have deduced that everyone loves Anna Sui and everyone else makes clothes (I don't know anyone else's name because they are not answers in my crossword puzzles). If, I am going to have to look at pages of clothes I'd appreciate at least a few lingerie shots.

Sorry it's been so long my friends, I am blocked at work.

Friday, August 24, 2007

On Garbage, Touche

what's that smell? Oh , it's the PSU fencing team

Due to an incredibly painful back injury, jazzbalhg is not in the mood to funny this week. Ergo...


As previously documented in jazzblahg Penn State has a great fencing program. In what can only be described as blatant copyright infringement, the article below, recently published in the NYT, further expands...You may be surprised.

One Sunday morning every fall, members of the Penn State fencing team spend hours scraping nacho cheese, chewing tobacco, peanut shells and cigarette butts off the floor of the university’s 107,000-seat football stadium.
Cleaning after a home game is an annual fund-raising ritual for the team, a coed varsity program that is one of the most successful in national competition. Unfortunately for Division I athletes in sports like fencing, winning championships does not guarantee financial stability.
The cash cow of college athletics returns next week, when multimillion-dollar television programming begins with college football and continues through the end of the N.C.A.A. men’s college basketball tournament in April. But for many athletes who compete in sports that do not produce revenue — the sports other than football and basketball — the arrival of the college football season means the return to working for the programs they see on television in order to support their own teams.
At N.C.A.A. Division I universities, football and basketball generate most of the revenue that comes from teams, and even some of those programs cannot make ends meet. For other sports, universities often leave it up to players and coaches to find other sources of funding.
For Butler softball players, that has meant working the gates at football games and cleaning the basketball arena. At Utah, that has led to having swimmers serve as hospitality workers in the suites at football games. And in the case of Penn State’s fencing program, that has involved cleaning the trash left behind by the crowds that attend home football games at Beaver Stadium.
“It’s one of the grossest things I’ll ever have to do — hopefully — in my life,” said the Penn State senior Megan Luteran, a captain of the fencing team, which last season won its 10th national title in 18 years.
Joe Paterno, Penn State’s football coach, only underscored the uncomfortable nature of the fencers’ job when he said his team would help clean Beaver Stadium on Sundays this season without compensation. The decision was a punishment for several football players’ suspected connection to an off-campus fight.
Some coaches and administrators insist that it is unreasonable to ask Division I athletes to participate in small moneymaking projects, especially those that involve working for more profitable programs.
Billy Martin, the coach of U.C.L.A.’s men’s tennis team, a perennial national championship contender, acknowledged that his program could not make any money for the athletic department, but he called some of the small projects “high schoolish.”
Bob Reasso, the men’s soccer coach at Rutgers, said: “You’re not going to ask a major Division I football or basketball athlete to do a car wash. We have the same caliber athletes.”
At Butler, a university that recently cut its men’s lacrosse and men’s swimming programs, the softball coach Jeanne Rayman raises about 15 percent of her program’s annual budget through fund-raisers. Her team has sold cookie sheets and held a beanbag-tossing tournament.
“I’m always looking to find something unique, where people don’t just say, Oh, this is just another fund-raiser,” said Rayman, who says she discloses her team’s efforts when recruiting players.
Butler softball teams have also worked the gates at football games, sold concessions at men’s basketball games, cleaned the basketball arena and helped direct cars at Indiana Pacers and Indianapolis Colts games.
“The reality of where we are today is that we need to find a way to supplement budgets,” said Barry Collier, Butler’s athletic director. “This is part of it.”
Andrew Brown, a senior on the men’s swimming team at Utah, said that male and female swimmers at his university have had to stock suite refrigerators before football games, then hand out marketing materials at the stadium gates and make sure guests in the suites and the press box have enough food and drinks.
“I’m just happy we still have a swimming team, because a lot of Division I teams are being cut,” said Brown, who has an athletic scholarship that pays for his tuition and books.
Other programs choose to avoid small-scale, time-consuming fund-raising work in favor of relying entirely on other sources of funding, like donations. Doug Smith, the associate athletic director for development at Baylor, said he did not believe in “project-oriented programs,” which he said involve too much work and time and produce an inadequate financial return. Penn State’s fencing team sells university merchandise at football games, and the money they gather from stadium cleaning — several thousand dollars a year — enables them to take an overseas trip once every four years.
Jimmy Moody, a junior on the fencing team, said he found the stadium cleaning experience humbling and understood that Penn State’s football team brought in money that benefited his team. But he was also interested in finding out how the football players would react to the dirty work.
“I’m glad for once that they’ll have to do it,” Moody said. “They’ll get a taste of it. They get to see what we do every year.”
N.C.A.A. bylaws limit the number of hours student-athletes can spend on “athletically related activities.” But those activities do not include fund-raising, said Stacey Osburn, a spokeswoman for the N.C.A.A. Osburn said most rules about fund-raising were left up to individual universities.
At Butler, Rayman said, the continual projects can seem like a burden for some of her players.
“They have so much going on in their college lives, trying to be the best athletes they can be and trying to have somewhat of a social life,” Rayman said. “It just becomes a daily grind. It’s more of a drain on them than a morale booster.”
For many student-athletes, including Brown, the Utah swimmer, the choice between working for high-profile teams and abandoning the sports they love is easy to make.
“It’s unfair that we have to put in extra work because our sport might not be as much fun to watch,” Brown said. “But it is fair that the school is giving us a chance to work to keep the program around.”
Emmanuil Kaidanov, Penn State’s fencing coach, said he thought cleaning the stadium, however unpleasant it might be, was a good team-building effort. He emphasized his 10 national titles and asked how anybody could question him.
“We bond through our misery,” Moody said.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Hasta Luego


I am off to Puerto Rico...

enjoy whatwouldclydedo.com (it's not that funny...but it is informative).

Monday, August 13, 2007

Freudian Sleep

get out of my dreams, you terrorist bastard
We all have wierd dreams, most of the time we do not remember them. Today, however, you are in luck...

I don't remember everything but I do know that Magic Johnson and Saddam Hussein have teamed up and want to kill me. They chased me but I was able to escape...barely.

This dream is similar to one a few weeks ago where, with the help of Natalie Portman, I was able to escape the Nazis...Thanks Natalie.
Though I think even Freud would be confused by the relevance of the dreams, I think it's prettyfair to say that we now know for sure that Magic Johnson is a terrorist. Damn you Magic!!

Friday, August 10, 2007

I Bought my Puma's in Williamsburg


not quite a true hipster...yet

As you may recall from a previous post we here at jazzblahg are always trying to expand the American lexicon. Indeed, in the most recent publication of the OED one will find the word "ellios" defined as a verb meaning "to burn the top of one's mouth" That definition was of course created here at jazzblahg. Well, my friends, on this soggy Friday we are introducing a new definition for hipster. from hence forth hipster will mean..."An artist with a full-time job"

That's it...have a great weekend.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The Less We Use, The More We Save #2


I don't mean to brag, but I am the guy Justin conferred with before he decided to bring sexy back.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Extra! Extra!

i actually own this jacket
Today is a big day in the world of Jazzblahg! Indeed, we are introducing our first recurring theme and we could not be more excited about it! The title of the series is : "The Less We Use, The More We Save"...While the first of the series will appear to have something to do with conservation, the title is nothing more than Jazzblahg's attempt to gain readership by playing on the sensitivities of the ever increasing green movement. Indeed, jazzblahg hopes you print this post out on extra thick styrofoam paper.
I digress...The series will consist of one liners or odd sentiments either created or overheard by your resident raconteur and as you can see, the new series promises to be a great success. A recent write up in "bloggers," a bi-annual magazine published online, described 'The Less We Use...' as "patently mediocre" and Clive Barker declared it, "humorous to no one and likely to be hated by most" So you can understand our excitement.

Anyway, you have waited long enough:

The Less We Use, The More We Save: vol. 1, issue 1:

This is an actual quote overheard by jazzblahg: "You should get off the phone now, it's lightening outside"